A letter from June 26th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, Multiple friends, mentors, and even my own basal ganglia tell me that "the fella with a hella good hair" is not the right partner for me. I knew something was off at the first meeting in 2013, fell for him two years later during a transitional time in life, and stayed with him three months shy of three years. Because he was not in a good place in life then and I had a well-paid job, and because I was friends with him, I took care of him well, through many of his crises, including losing passports, getting sick and not seeing any doctor, having cash shortfalls, and leaving behind his hard drive at airports, etc. He did not have a job, and was waiting for the one job he had applied. I did not let him chase me at the onset of our relationship; I initiated calls, I planned dates, I paid for weekend trips. He sometimes shortchanged my cash, and was not entirely respectful of my time, but I thought that he was simply in a rough patch. The times he flaked on our dates were later revealed to be because he went to pick up free drugs from a buddy. This was when I was working out of Chairman's office at a local company, adhering to his strict schedule, too. Today in 2018, I am a student without any income, and he has two part-time jobs in blockchain startups. He is becoming better known in the blockchain circle in London, getting headhunted by the likes of BCG Digital Ventures. Yet, today, he wants to split everything 50-50. He still expects I plan romantic getaways, and blames me for not doing so, even though I am quite busy planning a major student conference at school. He thinks I am mean, rude, overbearing, difficult, whiny, and petty. He feels under-appreciated because he moved to London to be with me, and I was not as focused on him. I am about to finish my graduate school. If we hadn't parted ways, this is the future I today see with him: (1) I will have 5x the workload. Not only do I have to be really focused on him because he does not like talking about his feelings or needs, and tends to bottle up hurts and resentment, but I'd also have to focus on my career. I am the eldest child in my family business, and the eldest grandchild for both sides, too, meaning I'd have family obligations. Add kids to this mix. I might also have to look out for his side of family. Today, he does not seem to want to keep his two part-time jobs much, and fancies pursuing a "PhD in blockchain" - not sure how serious this is. I feel stressed and burdened just imaging this. (2) We have mismatched expectations around money and taking care of each other. For me, an equitable partnership is about letting each other pursue dreams, and adjusting roles based on circumstances. I am not a fan of suddenly splitting things 50-50 now that I am a student, and still be expected of taking care of him when he pursues his goals, as was the case when we started out. He explicitly says he hates working, which will be a cultural clash with my folks. I have been taken out on dates only 5 times in the past 2.5 years, too, and yet he counts what he has done for me, saying he is the sole driver of the relationship and he resents me for moving to London. I know I stopped supporting him in London so as not to be an enabler, but I just have this nagging feeling that if he counts sacrifices today, it would be much harder with family and kids later, when life throws bigger challenges. (3) We have trouble communicating. He shares his dissatisfactions about our relationship with his friends, but not directly with me. I have to find out about my boyfriend's feelings from his friends, who are luckily kind to me. When I say I need something in the relationship, he tends to question it and fight it, saying I am being so petty, but will accept it once his friends point it out to him. I feel like I have to be on his friends' good side, and it is such a worthless feeling to a girl. He tends to hide things, too. I have had to find out about the LSD incident, or his other ways, only indirectly and unless I ask him specifically, he'd not volunteer relevant information. It makes me wonder what else he is keeping from me. I don't want to have to ask him, "Are you shagging my best friend?" (4) I feel disrespected when he talks about other girls' good looks to me. If things are smooth, I would not mind. But since other aspects of the relationship are rocky, I do find extremely anxious and unhappy. (5) I have this feeling that he's not 100% at ease with himself, and that is important before commitment. He thinks having a relationship makes him an adult, and sometimes verbalises me as an indicator for his maturity. Such comments - even made in light-hearted manner - makes me deeply uncomfortable. (6) I need to respect him if I were to trust my future with him as a life partner. Three years is plenty of time for a guy to prove himself. After three years, I feel like I do not know him well at all. Our communications remain as difficult as ever. I do not feel like he is on top of things. I do not like that he does not consider my feelings when he makes insensitive remarks or asks me to provide material things for the relationship given our income situation. I do not appreciate that he dismisses my feelings, or will acknowledge and accept them only when his friends step in. In twenty years, I’d be a resented woman with a lack of time because I’d be doing all the work. I’d be miserable, I think. This has to end because: • I have been spiralling down into a depression, and moving out has given me much more clarity and peace •I cannot afford him financially in the long run, or mentally once I leave my student life with 5x the workload required to make this marriage/relationship work •He cannot empathise with me during the time of conflict and hurt, and thinks I am crazy, unstable, and emotional. •He is looking for a breadwinner wife, who is going to take care of him. He has been quite harsh towards me when I need some warmth and protection. I hope that one day, I will see my 2018 breakup as the best thing that happened to me this year.