A letter from November 15th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, hey you, you yourself. hope you are still alive and you are dealing it fine. at least better than you are dealing it now. well actually, hopefully, you are still alive, stop listening to music with headphones on meanwhile passing the street. 3 years.... are you surrounded again with gangsters or no? not sure which is better, because apparently only they can fulfill your personal happiness. it took two men so far met in your life to prove it. and fuck them. well for the first one- good luck, in the end we ended up nicely... but the second one- that is the concern of tonight. of the very first day I met him on 15th January, 2018. there wasn't a single day since the (well almost a year, more time passed as we have not been in touch than we actually were). I feel pathetic, I feel unloved, I feel like I actually have gone a wrong path.... like it looks like I am doing really okay, for what girl of 24 could do entirely herself in a big city... but I feel like probably if earlier in my life I would have made different life decisions, maybe I would not have been in that mess? Maybe I would not have felt that moment in the life so fucking lonely. like 'everybody's gonna let you down' absolutely. everyone. every single one. men. friends. even family. this is such a fucking lonely world. SO YEAH I HOPE YOU ARE FINE. cause three years ago you really were in need of psychological health, but you could not afford it just like another half of the month of very simple things like simple food, I suppose. do you want to know, why you haven't been dealing well 3 years ago at 01:43am of 15th of November? well, you already mentioned a boy.... actually man, a grown-up man. who in 3 years..... he will be 34 years old. hell to him. a boy who truly broke my heart. sometimes, I think that it is what actually Twan feels about me. in the end of the day, he actually loved me more than I loved him, and probably he will forever do whatever future holds to him. so, this is what I feel about that boy. he just left me there hanging, looking to pick up his reasons MYSELF. I and I am still trying to pick them, watching stupid youtube videos, reading articles about rejection, trying to sleep with boys, going on dates pretending looking for something.... for something, what? another fucking disappointment? ( starts to cry ffs) like literally, hasn't it have been enough to give me, to go to fucking prison for a man? why the hell life keeps on bringing me these personal disappointments? they say, that it is for good, as it means that someone better waiting for me. did you met him already? the only one true thing what I am hoping in 3 years... actually 2 either, either another: either you are SO MUCH OVER HIM because thank god in 3 years (its 2021!!) you have managed to do many great things, meet new people, visit places, move probably places, start something what you are desiring for... or you are back with him for good. pathetic, but that what you (24yo) actually still secretly thinking about. somehow him being back in your life. surely you not gonna try to pull him, as just dignity could not let you (thank fuck, as he himself would say, fucking cockney dick). not sure if you will read this to the very end, as the moment is just for me a place to cry my heart out. so many friends, but where are they when you are holding something so hurting on your heart? it is funny how the more person knows you, more you are feeling uncomfortable with him to talk about such personal things. 3 years- are you still in touch with your current friends? gosh I just hope you are fine mentally, cause if get worse, it is gonna get close to suicide, baby. is it self- pity speaking out of my lips? well if it is one, it is because of lack of love received and given. loads of it to give, but the one to whom I wish to do so, is probably at the moment fucking another whore (why whore necessary?) from a dating app. As mentioned, yes been to jail- but that just made me stronger. so far this REJECTION, great rejection actually- it made you bitter. it made you sharp, but not in that great way. you still can play and flirt and stuff. but you do not have a sincere interest in people. you already see them lying to you, before they even have started to speak. you cannot bear pointless talks, you just leave room. bold and simple. are you even worse in 3 years? I mean, they say that life is bright, right? well so far for me it was a fucking rollercoaster. ramybes uostas- sti ka jie sako jog meile yra. ar tau buvo kada nors nutikus tokia meile? iki 2018 tikrai ne. ta prasme tu jautei tam tikra ramybe su Twenu. bet kokia ramybe gali buti su nusikalteliu? tai del ko, mieloji mano, tu taip isimylejai i sita mulki? argi jo gyvenimas nera toks pat? kaip tu galejai i ji isimyleti kai tu pati zinai jog jis turi didele problema- jis yra visikai prisirises prie rukymo? jug tu turejai jau viena problema su vyru, kuris buvo prisirises prie n dalyku.... ok ok, I get the point of falling for him: firstly, he is your type- musculine man. not about muscles but about that he is actual man. then he was chit-chating some stuff about family and his future plans and with his wonderful British accent, he made you believe that he sees you in that future. beautiful. well and of course sex. sex being high, listening to good music. good sex actually, do not deny it. you just matched. for him probably you just matched sexually (maybe he says actually to every tinder girl ' hey we match, that is very important' when she sits on the right seat of his car, driven back home by him), but for me we matched all ways. I honestly have never felt about any guy that way that on the second date I was thing ' I want to marry that kind of guy'. eh? where are you a few years ago, when you have not ever thought of it? and now you do. since you met him. and he so carelessly dumped you. I mean dumped- you were nothing officially so he just decided that it is absolutely okay to disappear like he is dead. and here comes disappontment in myself: why did I actually let myself to disrespect myself by hanging on a man who completely had for me any respect in the end of the day? because if he did so, he would make some kind of ending. here comes another self-disappointment: you stalking him ever since 'unfollow- unfollow' happened and then one night you find out his private account is unlocked. shock! he actually did not have bad time ever since. he is probably doing great. second company owned. and physically- ough god if you would meet him now, he looks great with these pumped shoulders. so why disappointment? cause you are upset about him doing great. why we people are upset when others are doing great? because we care about them :) because that he is happy and doing better than before WITHOUT YOU. and you think that you could have been answered to all his life mysteries... and you are not, maybe there is even a girlfriend already.... and that what teases your heart.... drives your brain mad. does not let you sleep. wakes you up thinking about having sex with him. its mad. you live in pretty recent past. but this past was such a little life period- for him. probably he forgot about me since unfollow/unfollow happened. now just to let you know- this helped me. just writing my thoughts down. it calmed me down and probably I am about to sleep soon. in my shared bed but not with my lover. unfortunately. take care firstly of yourself. cause nobody really cares even if they pretend. just only your mom. that is all. love yourself and one day it will find you. just what you have been asking for.