A letter from March 14th, 2019: You

1:07 am. Sitting on the bus taking me back to home, wide awake. Just spent my birthday on a trip with friends. With you. Why do you have to be "you"? Why can't you just be one of the "friends"? Why do you hold such a special place in my heart? I don't know. All I know is that it would be hard for any other boy to replace your spot because of the following reasons: 1. First impressions last. The first time I saw you I knew there was something about you. It may sound cliche but the moment you entered the room it all turned into slow motion. There was something about your presence that demanded attention. You smiled warmly then, and I still remember it to this day. 2. You're the shoulder I can cry on but also the reason that I cry. I've spent nights crying because I didn't want to feel this way about you. I've spent nights crying to you about work and life. For some reason, my crying somehow always involved you. Everytime I cry you always tell me to catch all the tears in a jar and I'd end up laughing because I think it's funny. 3. I've been in bed with you. You're the guy I've slept next to in bed next the most. It almost feels like an unspoken rule that I get the spot next to you when we go out of town. My mother would go crazy if she knew about this (sorry mom, but I'm not doing anything wrong). I grew up being told that I'm not supposed to be sleeping next to a boy in bed because you don't know what would happen. But I always trusted you (although there was a time I felt "something" and I got scared and mostly just didn't trust myself). 4. That undeniable connection. Amongst our group of friends, we're the pair that could look each other in the eyes and instantly know what we're both thinking. I'd dare say we're two peas in a pod. We both scare ourselves with airplanes (and crashes) and jumping off cliffs and rollercoaster rides but we'd do those scary things anyway. I remember holding your hand through all those moments. They we're scary moments, yes, but holding your hand made them so much better. Although I would never go cliff jumping again. EVER. 5. You're my *****. I don't know how it started but we somehow ended up calling each other "*****". I know it's not supposed to be sweet but that has become our pet name, much like "honey" or "dear" for normal people. We use it mostly when we play video games against or with each other and just shout ***** at each other to get the other's attention or to just badmouth (lovingly). I wonder how other people would think if they saw us. 6. I like being trapped with you. I remember hiding inside a very narrow closet because we we're being chased by a scary person. We were standing with our backs against each other. I was facing the back of the closet and you we're facing the door. We were laughing a little because this was all just make-believe but we were also scared because it feels too real (heck, we just crawled out of a vent before we got trapped in a closet). Instinctively, we both grabbed each other's hand at the same time and our fingers interlocked. And that was the happiest I will ever be while being trapped. There could be more reasons but these are the ones I remember the most right now. To my older self, I bet you will laugh at this for being so petty. Or not. Or maybe. I don't know. But older self, be happy just reminiscing the memories. I hope you're still his friend and you still have communication. You're probably oceans apart right now or maybe just a few miles. If the feelings are still there, he would be the person we have loved the longest. I pray someone comes along who will love and understand you. Give you hugs and kisses, brush your hair and sing you to sleep. It could be him or it could be someone else. Right now I just want to be happy there's someone like him who makes my heart skip a beat and give me the tingles. Love lots, You, just a little bit younger