A letter from April 19th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, I know it's pretty late while I write this. You always stayed up late, dreading the silence that crushes you before sleep, forcing you to resurrect painful memories. I just need you to know you have to keep going. If something has happened over the course of a year, then this will be all for nought. If I'm wrong, please keep reading. At this point you felt like you don't deserve to feel anything. You don't get the right to express how you feel, think, or get help. I hope by your present time, you've learned to change that. You kept repressing all your feelings, reasoning that they don't matter, that someone else is suffering more than you. You learned to forget and move forward, but you know full well that you never forget. Your emotions haunt you. They torment you. You keep them at bay for a while, but when something hits you just at the right moment, you know the outcome. It's already happened before and you know what happened. You've gone through a lot. More than anyone should have to deal with, especially how young you were. You shouldn't have been sexually abused. She shouldn't have killed herself. Your father shouldn't be suffering through an illness with only one inevitable outcome. Your mother shouldn't have been addicted to those pills. Your sister shouldn't have abandoned your family and caused that 2 year long turmoil. You shouldn't have tried to end your life. Nothing that happened was your fault. You didn't ask those people to do that to you. You didn't give her the gun. You didn't make your father sick. You didn't give your mom the pills. You didn't die 3 years ago. Stop blaming yourself. I know you have many problems mentally you don't know how to deal with, or could ever be delt with. That's why I really need you to trust in someone enough that you can express how you feel. YOU NEED HELP. YOU CANT CONTINUE LIKE THIS. You are going to drive yourself to attempt suicide again. You got out of it last time, but I fear you won't be able to escape a second time. So please, help yourself. You won't be seen as weak. I promise. I wrote this on April 19th, 2019. If in one year you are still here I ask you only one thing. Keep going. Keep living. Love, yourself.