A letter from April 26th, 2019

Dear future me, Hey there, how is life treating you? You must have hanged on because here you are reading letter from past me. Life is hard at this very moment (26/4/2019) and I can't tell you if it's going to be any different when you read this but if you are reading this, that means you have persevere through this hard times. You were going through alot of low self esteem issues, you hated your body and each time you looked at yourself in the mirror, you made yourself swear to lose weight, you starved for weeks, secretly flushing all the food down the toilet pot. And when I thought I am closer to my goal, being thin, I treated myself, which then turned to binge eating and before I know it, it's all back to the start. This vicious cycle never ended and so i started wishing to be anorexic thin. Then again there was the issue about my parents, not like there wasn't before but this time it was about my dad having an affair. Before they used to fight only at night but this time it's been upgraded. They fight in the mornings as well. I don't know whom to believe and honestly I don't give a damn but they are my parents, a part of who I am, whatever they do affects me as well. I did my best to help my mom each day but it's exhausting.. it's tiring.. on nights like today I wished I was away from them or even dead. Been a few months since graduation but still no hopes from my dream job. Everyday living in transitory period hoping for something better and yet each day I feel empty and sad. Looking for jobs now, any kind, just want to get away from here. 21 year old daughter, the only child, a useless child.. so I starve more.. at least that is one thing I can control, one thing that makes me feel a little less guilty about consuming food for free. Love? I fucked up.. in the midst of all the self esteem issues we slipped apart. I slipped apart. He was so sweet and i was too blind to see it. Months went without contact and he too lost hope. He gave up trying. Love was fading and i didn't know it. When one day out of the blue my friend came knocking on my door. Knocking harder when I didn't respond and even harder threatening to break down the door. Still, when i didn't answer they went away. Felt great guilt after that and I called them and faked being deep asleep. But what a stubborn friends have I got? They said they will come the next day to check up on me. Next day my friend came, and he was there with a white grocery bag. Handed it to me.. and what he has got for me, made me choked up a little.. he remembered how much I like chickpeas and I was deeply touched. We sat and talked about me being disconnected from the world and he gave me advices, all the while listening to every word even though I had so little to say. I could see he was so relieved to see me alive and then, I realised a huge mistake I have made. My love.. he must have been devastated and hurt and sad by my silence. That day I typed an apology text to my love and sent it.. but there was no reply.. I felt strange sadness but I deserved this. I thought I'll call but I couldn't muster up my courage so I left him text messages. Days went by but I didn't give up.. I pleaded sorry and for a second chance everyday.. sending cute vedios of me, telling him I loved him.. a week past and still nothing.. was feeling down and hopeless. I gave it one last try and omg.. he replied finally saying he will give me a 2nd chance. I jumped on the spot and thanked heavens. We are okay now but still I feel.. what I did made things akward between us.. his messages are short and i don't know how to chat with him anymore. I tell him i love him but he doesnt reciprocate my feelings. We still haven't talked like in conversation but I'll try to keep this relation alive. And I don't know how it will turn out in a year.. But the very best and precious thing I discovered through this hard times is friendship. I didn't have a friend like him in the past nor will i have such kind of Friend again in the future. I was behind a wall I built, away from the world, the critics, but when he knocked the door so hard, I thought my walls cracked. Cliché as it may seem but he broke down my walls. And I am so grateful for that. Sherab.. you have to thank for a friend like him and don't take him for granted. And always look out for him, always. I don't know how are things right now in the future but know that you went through alot, the good and bad, ups and downs.. and whatever it was, you survived it all.. That's why you are here reading this. You did it. You are beautiful. You have great parents and very loyal lover and friends. I love you more than anyone. Love me. Past me.