A letter from May 27th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, "Oh, the places you'll go." Each time I have written one of these, I have been heartbroken. It used to be over myself and my perceived value and flaws, and then it moved onto relationships, but still had to do with my perceived value and flaws. Some things never really change. I can't believe this has happened. The whole situation with Steven - I'm crying while writing this- and the heartbreak that comes along. Even rereading the other FutureMe letters, this one feels different. It's much sharper and more nauseating. There is good in it, though. There is always something to learn. The lessons I want to learn, and for FutureMe to take on, are as follows: 1. I can't know everything. I still have so many questions, and I don't think they will go away. Ultimately, though, does knowing change what happened? It almost feels like more opportunities to get hurt. And I know pain feels like love, but - 2. I are not my emotions. Emotional reasoning is my cognitive distortion, and my trap. I feel too many and too much. I thought it was a strength, but it hurts me and the people I love. To be so connected to my emotions without a barrier is a lack of - 3.Boundaries I need to have intrapersonal boundaries to manage my emotions in a healthy manner, and interpersonal boundaries to allow for individual learning and growth. Don't take on other peoples shit, and don't put my shit on other people. "Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction." Instead of self-destruction, I need- 4. Self-Compassion I need to do the work, but be gentle with myself. It's a marathon, not a sprint, right? And if I do the work now- bit by boring bit- in one year when I receive this email, things will be different. And I desperately want things to be different. The way to do the work, and to integrate the lessons is to be mindful and to have - 5. Intention and Attention "How we spend our time is how we spend our lives." To be intentional with my time, be intentional with my words and actions, be intentional with where I put my attention to get things done- that is how I can start creating the life I want. It's going to be so hard. But it's going to be so worth it. I have to believe that what is coming is better than what has gone. I can't control other people or outside actions/reactions. I can only do the work to make my reactions into responses, and to have my thoughts, word, and actions align with my values. This is the promise I make to myself, because even with the love and support of family and friends, I have only myself. And that will be a great thing. I hope FutureMe will have gratitude for PresentMe. I have so much hope, compassion, fear, empathy and love for FutureMe. I will be okay x