A letter from June 30th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, It's 9:05pm on Sunday June 30th. 1 year to the date and probably the time that you started everything. You walked away first because you were scared, you didn't know what to do and you were confused. He sat there and begged you not to leave and yet you did. At this point you know you shouldn't have. And now this letter is going to be coming to you 2 years from that day. Right now you're crying on and off. All these emotions are hitting you randomly. Along with a laundry list of questions. Why did it take him a year to decided that he didn't want to be with you. Why did he not try as hard as you. What is wrong with you? What else could you have done? You better not be talking to him when this letter gets to you in a year. He has said and done so many hurtful things that if he really loved you, none of those things would have been said or done. You are stronger than you realize. You have so much to offer. It was his own insecurities that lead him to finding something in someone else even though you were right there in front of him. All I wanted to do was fix things and make things right from the first initial huge fight. I think he wanted to too up until a certain point and then he just didn't have the courage to let you go. He kept stringing you along and giving you just enough to keep you holding on. I hope at this point, a two years from a year long fight starting and a year from it ending that you are happy and you know your worth. That you have excelled in the job you've been with for 2 months right now. That you have a plan of moving back to California. That you have the *Big Sean voice* I DONT FUCK WITH YOU attitude about him and everyone that he brought into your life. You love him and always will love him. But hopefully you don't still believe that he is the one you're supposed to be with no matter how much you feel it in your heart right now. Maybe someone new will be in your life at this point. I hope you didn't give into him if he contacts you within the next year. Your life needs to improve without him in it. He's been holding you back. Right now you don't even know who you are and it's sad. You used to be so fun and full of life and energy and you could be silly and goofy. Instead he didn't like you being like that. He shot you down, told you that you were annoying and a pain in the ass. You may be that sometimes but not the way he made it seem. If he really loved you, instead of giving you shit constantly and making you feel like the worst person in his life, he should have been building you up and making you feel like there was no one else on this earth made for you except him. He forced you into rock bottom and now you need to climb out. I don't care if it's a slow climb but you need to start climbing. You will probably always remember this weekend as the weekend that started the fight and then ended the fight. A year long fight has taught you so much. What you need and what you deserve. You know how you wanted to be treated and how you shouldn't be treated. If there is someone new in your life at this point I hope you're making it work and you're not letting your insecurities that became from him get the best of you. Or maybe you have found someone and they understand the trauma and haunting thoughts that a toxic relationship gives you and they love you through everything. You went through so much with him. I knew from the minute I saw him that he was who I was supposed to be with. Maybe at this point he was a space filler for the real person you are supposed to be with. It hurts now, its going to hurt for a while. I hope by the time you read this it won't be hurting at all. I love you and so many other people love you as well. All your real friends have had your best interest at heart. They want to see you fly, they want to see you succeed. Even though you don't see it right now, this had to happen. Maybe years down the road you and he will cross paths again and it will be the right time but maybe not. You need to make the choice to keep him in the past. You have so much to offer. And now the tears are starting again. this is what I hope you work through by the time this letter comes to you next year. You have cried so much in the last year. More than you probably have in your 23 years of life living up to that. Starting tomorrow there are no more tears. You need to start over and live life and move on. He did not love you the way you need to be loved. He never talked to you in person to make things right. He didn't want to see the hurt in your eyes or hear it in your voice. You have all this love that you have been giving to the wrong person, now imagine what it is going to be like when you give all that love to the right person. You deserve a man who wakes up every day looking for new ways to love you. He did not do that, and it is not your fault. He feel in love with you for you, and at some point he decided you were not good enough anymore. I hope in the next year you stay away from people who make you feel like you're hard to love. That you go out and you let loose and you have a good time. That you make new friends who don't suck the soul out of you and make you feel horrible for loving the person that you love. I hope you have a plan in motion to move out of this god forsaken town where you get anxiety just going out because you don't want to run into anyone associated with him. I just hope you find yourself and love yourself again by the time you read this letter.