A letter from January 15th, 2020

Dear 2021 me, It's crazy to me how as I'm writing this, I think I am at my most confused about romantic love. There are news of marriages, but also news of breakups. People who have known each other less than a year are engaged, but there are also people who have been together 10 years and don't see the point of marriage. As for me? I thought I'd still hold true to the same principle of years ago when I first truly had my heartbroken: that I am not opening myself up to romance because I wouldn't know what to do with it if ever it came. "I think I'd lose it in the end; I'm too busy right now to actually have time to nurture the relationship, which would be unfair to whoever my partner would be", is the response that I've given countless times over the years and to numerous concerned friends. And yet. And yet, I have a Pinterest board titled "Wedding Maybe?" with carefully sectioned pins (on engagement rings, dresses, cakes, venues, giveaways, and even reception games), a mini portfolio of sorts, ready for review when the day comes. I've been thinking and thinking of who my bridesmaids would be or deciding if I should have none at all. I've had numerous pretend conversations in my mind on how my future partner would propose. I've written drabble after drabble of how I spend days with my significant other. There have been moments when I look to my friends with their long-term relationships (and soon-to-be families) and said to myself "I want that too". Even looking at that short paragraph admitting this thoughts has me staring incredulously at the screen. Me, who hasn't been in a relationship in 5 years because of feeble excuses and straight up solid adamant walls around my heart. Me, who time and again have joked with my friends about how undesirable/intimidating I must really be to have gone this long without romance in my life. I have no idea if it's the dreams (you know which ones) or if it's all the tarot readings telling me of someone coming in by the last quarter of 2020 that has these thoughts in my head, but I guess I am hoping that those have some merit to them. If he does manage to find you in 2020 (as all the readers have said he will), I hope he gives you the love you've dreamed about. I hope he gives you the love that you've prayed would last to the end of this lifetime. Reach back into the void and let me know, will you?