A letter from March 9th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You are in a down place right now. A challenging place. But you are working towards something big. Like they said in the Al - Anon meeting last night - we hack away at the rock a 100 times and when it splits on the 100th time we think omg its because of something about this last time when really its about the consistency. That was the theme of the meeting. Just being consistent. Even if its just doing something small every single day. Working my program. Working my steps. I think asking for help matters and I think empathy matters. I received so much beautiful empathy this past weekend from David. I felt so seen. I felt so loved. I feel like I understand him. I feel so understood by him. We come from such different places and yet they are the same. I love him so much. I am learning to love in a non-codependent way. I have been a codependent my whole life. I am trying to please others while being true to myself. I think I am resorting to the people pleasing in order to not examine myself too closely. I can only help myself. I am coming out from the shadows and looking at my own life and my own codepedent and toxic behavior. Not to shame myself but to understand myself. Ultimately, I want to be known and approved of. But I am the one who must know and approve of me first. I am worthy exactly as I am. My worth isn't determined by the money I make, the job title I have, the person I have married, the money in my bank account. My worth just already is. It is not something I have to prove to another. It is something that is. I have tried to battle control and manipulate my mom, control and manipulate my sister, control and manipulate my boyfriends. I have used Sherlock to manipulate others. And manipulating people for good is not good. Why? Because I can't be the one to determine that. I am not the messiah. I used to honestly believe maybe I was. But the thing is I can be in only one way. Saving myself. And I can do it. One small consistent step at a time. My meditation habit. Life comes in to disrupt us and teaches us who we are. When I fell off my bike I was so shook about how lonely and vulnerable I felt. But I also saw how strong and resilient I am. I called 911 and coordinated my own rescue. The firefighters carried me up the stairs and I allowed them. It was so hard to allow myself to be carried up stairs. To be helped by a team of grown adults when I was at my most vulnerable. I was at the hospital all day. I want to complete that ride though. I feel stronger. I think riding will bring me strength and courage. I already have it. I don't have to prove my worth to anyone. Riding my bike brings me joy. Fishing brings me joy. Community brings me joy. I would like to keep doing these things. I am strong and I am not defined by the times I fall down. I am defined by the times I stand up. I would like to keep standing up. I would like to keep exploring this globe. I would like to spend more time in nature. I would like to fill more people with hope and inspiration. I would like to write. The things that matter to me are love, community, art, integrity, hard work. I want to chase after the things that matter. I want to continue to give myself unconditional love and acceptance.