A letter from March 18th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, You are sitting in the dark, in the vast silence, another one of those benches. You have started losing track after the sixth time of doing this. Part of you wants the darkness to swallow you whole because you haven't felt like yourself for an incredible long time. Crying at home lost its appeal, the repeats made you want to not be home. You were dwelling everywhere yet nowhere, and you didn't know where to go to, so you kept going outside. Walking, looking, walking for an imaginary place you couldn't find. Even now, months later this feels like a circle jerk. The whole motion of it is essentially one circular reasoning. You were sad because you were sad and that made you sad some more, until you couldn't take it and started snapping in new ways. Oh god, do you not want to go back to it, yet you do. Everything feels a bit lighter but you're also afraid of the dying light inside of you. You know that you know how to thread lightly, dance on this earth, make metaphors which tinge your soul. But... there is some sorts of but, gnawing inside of you, and god knows why. If there's one or two, you wonder if you're one of them because sometimes you can't believe that anyone could be this cruel towards you besides... you, yourself. But I guess that also means that you are the one with the capacity to shackle yourself free. You can forgive yourself. You can take care of yourself. You have shown the past few months that, yes, you can. Yes, you can. You can do almost anything as long as you set your mind to it. And I know, I know in the past some knee jerk reactions served you well. They protected you from injustice, and yourself. But now you're a bit older (and somehow somewhat wiser), you know, you know that it is time to let go of it. Thank you for everything, truly. You did what you could do at the time to protect yourself but now (as I'm writing but also as you are reading this), you know a bit more about this terrifying yet mesmerising world. I want to be as vulnerable as they come. I want to feel everything deeply, the sad parts but also the rays of sunshine, and the stomach aching laughter, the awe that comes with all the first times, the anger that injustice brings, the confusion that academia will throw at you. All of it. And above all, I want to love as freely as I can. I'm over disliking, and occasionally hating myself. I don't want to do this anymore. I am incredibly sorry I hurt you, myself, us. Sometimes I still cry because I hurt myself so badly. The delusions, the mental imagery, the running away from everything that you absolutely love because you didn't feel like you deserved it. I am truthfully sorry. Hopefully your April has been wonderful so far. I know that the past three Aprils have been rough for you. Last year you were doubting if the major you chose was the right one; were you good enough? This then trickled down into other areas of your life until you got into the crying streak. The April before that was the first time you had cut yourself while being in uni... yet you didn't know how to talk about your mental health issues. That one before you were getting ready for your final exams, got rejected by Teddy, and I don't know, just a bit of a strange last high school year. Anyway, I want to break the April streak, so I (past you) is pulling all her weight into this. But, I don't want to pressure you either. If you feel incredibly blue, by all means, so it shall be. Feel freely, and please know that I care. In fact, a lot of people care & that's why you are still here. I know that, and you know that. Just... sometimes you can't feel it, so this is a friendly reminder. You got this. Stay you, stay marvellous <3 Sending you all the good vibes. You (but also not you because what is the concept of self anyway?)