A letter from March 21st, 2020

Dear 31 year old A, Today is Friday, 20th of March 2020. My mom is drunk in the living room, sleeping. Is nothing new here. We are almost in quarantine because of the coronavirus. It's not so bad like in Italy, France or Spain, but the authorities want to make sure we don't end up like them with so more deaths. So we are curently working from home for the past 10 days and I think this will go on until April or May. I'm not so scared, I don't know anybody that has it, but I try to not expose myself. A few hours ago was released the new album 'After Hours' by The Weeknd. It was the first time in 3 years that I listened it alone, in my room where I have lived for the past 30 years. I'm mentioning this because in the last 3 years, I was almost all the time with Ș. Yesterday we had a talk. I said to him that I feel he doesn't want to do anything more with me, like he used to do in the beginning of our relationship. I'm feeling rejected because most of the time he is on his phone, beting on football scores. I'm in a long term psychoanalysis with a therapist for 1 year now and I have learned a lot about me and why I'm feeling sad most of the time. I used to be in a much worse state, but now I feel a little better and confident in me. I'm starting to love myself and I feel that I'm much more stable emotionally than I was a few years ago. So now I am paying more attention to what I am feeling and why, what can I do to make myself feel better. I always try to find solutions, as I reached to the conclusion that my life is in my hands and only I can make myself feel better. I understood now that I have a lot of unresolved issues from both childhood and adult life. I didn't knew how to cope and how to explain to other what I'm feeling inside me. Yesterday I told to Ș that I'm feeling rejected and less important than his phone. He said that it doesn't matter what he does for me, it's never enough and I always need and ask for more. That this is the maximum that he can give to me. That he loves me and gave me his all. And it wasn' t enough for me. Maybe he is right. Maybe he isn't the right man for me. For the first time, I really listened to his words and did not project my own desires on him. I always project my desires on others and wait and want more from them than they are willing/can give me. So, for the first time, I really listened. And asked if he could do something to make me feel less rejected. The answer was 'no, I can' t, because I am not enough for you as I already told you a million times the past 2 years'. His words broke my heart but I realized that I cannot do anything more. I feel like I can't bear this scenario repeting. I felt rejection almost all my life in different ways, mostly from my parents and then from the men I chose to be part of my life. I used to think that this is all I can have, only men that are unavailable emotionally. I was really getting used with this type of response. But not anymore. I want to break free from this chain. Sure, it may be more reasons than this. It may be my fear of commitment. Because I felt that my dad abbandoned me when I was 6 or 7 years old. I just felt that all over again, with him and my mother and then with the men in my life. Really, I had a breakthrough with this. I know that this maybe the reason. But I don't think this is the only reason. I am thinking that maybe I didn't really think that the relationship with Ș will work. Even more when I started talking with him about me and my problems and I thought that this will make us even stronger and maybe this will make him understand me and my needs better. But I put him on hold on many ocasions. And I feel guilty about that. I told him I will move with 2 years ago and didn't happen. I'm so sorry about that. Maybe I should've been sincere about it. Maybe I should've think if I really wanted to do it. I feel very bad about this and I feel like crying. Hope I will forgive myself for this in time. Yesterday was a bad day for me. We were in front of the Nikita Stănescu college, on a bench and he sat up and said that if I don't have anything more to say, he's leaving. I said that I understood the situation and I don't have anything more to add. I didn't want to beg for him to stay as I done for so many times in the past. So I just stood there and he did the same for one minute or two, and then he left. He said one more thing, 'if I' m waiting for him to do anything, I shoudn't wait more'. And he left. And I stood there. On the bench. Looking in his direction to see if he turns and looks at me one more time. Didn't happen. I stood there for a minute or two and I went home. I couldn't feel anything. Since then, I keep checking my phone to see if he deleted the photos with us from Whatsapp or Facebook (he didn't). And I don't know why I want him to write something to me. I want to not feel rejected still. I want to feel wanted and I dream of one moment: he writing to me and saying that he thought about what happened and he is willing to try again and do his best. In the same time, I don't want this to happen because there are more things that are bothering me and that I wish he could change. I realize that he is not the man I want. I don't think I want anyone now. Because I need to concentrate on me and solving my problems. And loving me. Before entering in another relationship. I'm gonna stop now and tell you that I remember how you felt in this moment and I hope that you can have some kind of closure and move on. I hope you let yourself feel and don't think of the consequences yet. Don't be anxious about the future. Because it could be worse without him, but why couldn't it be better? You don't really know. So when you read this letter, 1 year or 2 from now on, I hope you made the best decission you could make and do not regret it. Let yourself feel everything and you will be better, I promise. I'm hugging myself virtally from the future. Be patient. Love you more each day, A.