A letter from April 10th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, It's been around 3 days that you left him after finding out what he did. He cheated on you while you were most vulnerable and took advantage of her too. Her name was Kaylin. I will never understand why she was better than me or easier to love, but I'm still heartbroken. Still heartbroken that I wasn't good enough to love. He was my first love, made me feel complete, I wanted a future with him. Its hard knowing that the one guy you loved most in the world, loved someone else and gave them the love while you were crying and begging for it. So far, Ive been strong and tried to keep it together in order to better my mental health. Yes I do miss him, but I miss the version of him that I knew, the sweet, goofy, loving version. Yes he was broken, as I was but it was no excuse for the way her hurt and played me. If he didn't love me, why didn't he tell me when I asked? Rather than giving me sympathy and cheating on me. I didn't deserve him, nor did he deserve me. I know he fell out of love when we broke up but why was it so easy for him to break up with me? I waited for him, got him back but I got a version that wasn't him. The version I got was a man who slept with 7 girls and gave love to another woman, while I sat here giving him everything I had. He made me look like a fool when we talked about the future, but I know understand why he was reluctant to me doing pharmacy, it was because he didn't want a future with me . He wanted a future with her. he told her that he loved her, he wanted to move in with her. Even when I confronted him, he never apologised about the hurt he gave me, only that I apparently manipulated him and made him to be the person he was. Thats not true. Youre worthy of the love, you tried your best to love him and be the best person. His intentions were so fixated on being good for her, but never for me. He would constantly be insecure about who I was talking to, messaging, accompanied myself with, yet he was sleeping with 7 girls behind my back. I was completely oblivious to all of it, as he carefully kept the both of us in separate worlds due to the time difference. I in the night and her during the day. He was even there while he was on a 'trip' with his friends, with her. He fell in love with her while I patiently waited for him to come back. While I patiently waited for the love of my life to want me again. Yes, you gave him everything. He knew you better than any person but he still hurt you. He knew every habit, everything that made you smile and everything that made you hurt. He knew that this would hurt you, but he didn't care. He still tried to get her back, saying that he would change for HER. Why couldn't he change for me? especially during the countless nights that I would cry, begging him to be the same with me. He loved me, he wasn't in love with me anymore. He even made her a cake shaped in a heart for her birthday, what did he do for you? Nothing. I wanted him to fight for me, but I know better than that. There are moments that i want every text message to be from him, apologising for how much he heart me. Apologising for playing me, but we both know that's not going to happen. Youre so much better without him, yes you will always love him. He was always good to you but after the breakup, he used and abused you. He used your love and care for him because he was scared to be alone. Thats not fair. You deserve happiness. What now? Youre in Law school and hopefully retaking your exams. Yes you messed them up first time because your mum left and yes the second time was worse because of the pandemic. However, you're beautiful and intelligent. I hope you know that you've made it so far, I'm proud of you. You've gone past the first stage of your life. Pick yourself up every day, as you have now and hopefully you'll be able to spread the same positivity into your life. Those exams must be tough too! i don't know how you're doing it but I'm so proud of you, you can do it! Keep pushing through and get as much help as you can. You have people around you that love you, take advantage of it. He didn't deserve you, he never did. You go girl! x Ps. If dad hasn't found someone by now, hook him up yourself. He deserves happiness too :)