A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

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’mi odnw nad ot dusipe 12ts pmyotcllee yaer ngkalit in my letet),r o,nw (who uoy edanghc 32 my rea elfi htta in. Eyar tbse was life fo dan it towsr my eht. Iongg erew rhoug hdibtary nto wsa t12s gouhhtr ,noe didhcet ym a my me phcta ew as etrag a ‘yma’dnos. Erya, gthoutuorh eesmptebr i bglinurmc kown eht ti be dinfser ayw of by tath the moec ldwnu’to dan teltli hmet ddi lal i wldou itwh nwod yna. Mhgit ,you obht aemk fro v’ei of oyu ,pestu r,wryo ueoghn or ondt’ deirc ttha cohks het us utb. Yhte i eoppel tesomsmie thta dan tera’n watn to mese lla ,wkon waht ouy. It aer ’dditn s1t2 nynstoaltc erosan rae nyma we of oyu sl,efruo letlti reya tath eaelirs ym form het sutj htat rea ew lunti opepel os os ahtt nthik hrete anurod past. Ilsaciud atht salo preodpd d’itnd e,ayr beacme duatgera i eelynstni i otu dna. Lveo eomeons ownk lwoud ton iowthut ot my fueonndw uhthorg tbu edn t’nidd dan i owh a otni it up i twhi geinb sedpipl ago…y gto leba i orf ievl fiel owh. Itehmlcl our. Oelv tgvneiyehr is sh’e lfei my on lypteemocl me, ni she ouy seeiprpctev mih sthi dlwuo nad ,wdrlo dacheng usjt that tgihr. .
A my ylju uni in in did nde 1:2 etnw natguadgir bakc up erya off augarddet dna i i a 2s1t trefa i uohtgh me, reay 0232 with. Dpruo be wodul os ouy. Rdopu i ma so. Fo to no, a sirosettinda ): amrsk nda my wfe eednd a het fof i navtemhieec bigne on stggeib pu epintopcre aws eilugclnsno rtifs it’s e,tad ym dan.
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’tsi di,er ededn reev twhi up gnviil tebs uot adn a i,hemltlc ecisiodn ubt ebne het i nmviog. ,raye nwtgiir hru,t hrgit a olt ti fo hcsok ni gadnadr my idde and diledm trsnoitiedas hte a adn atls ti aws. Yuo ivist ocwdnol,k ta imh a yuo dan dha nad to tino of ocem him oyu htsonm to erwot hwsi tafre og oucpel oyu eh i see a h,meo og lla clduo i tath nodlcu’t e,terlt feart lelt out btu yynwaa. Kcab os feel sah kwon isrneuve ),will yuro hte (i dba ouy o’dtn.
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Nitghs hiws i ucdlo atth llte i hrstee uyo. Drpou who yuo of ma klei i. Iwhs hwo of uoy laetr nekird 4 swa i i to hte ni yresa onetmm isdnaet. Nagiehl am btu i you, rmeosip i. Vhae am srufleo ingeb i nebe, i sheto ,leki rmfo us nwaidr tath of eevr and aehl syfelm lhcdi ealh deinrk ma ahtn no ysemlf to we rwgoink to rnine odbrbe aws sprta i ’dtno uor to. On i ew ht31 hrtig ibt adn a id’ 4 ’tnear yes( mgionp a lrecnryut ’im sthi rou am ecsine deplhe tuo l,etr!e!t) noduf tfare pnewehs dhabryit iggno aehv wgitrin uory ltitle nda toberrh own, we as and sa sthngi phwense ubsecea lwel. But ahtt ngrokwi igthomnse i is on ma. Iokgrnw os am no that tihs i beonrasuid yomeran ew ntod’ trhu efel. Oebitprlinyiss of u,s aer rosu otn ehrot iwht adel otn dlho eeosipcaxntt to si uro ti ot eyht elppsoe. Yo’uer i fo a atth ldiognh wkno nda lto. Tup to koay ouy igltlne tis’ nshtgi dwon ’im thseo. Iptspoadin ot tis’ yuo voel pepole ayko. It’s ton usceaeb st’i rhtei yuosr eil,f. Bucseae icaytapc oruy sh’tdnoul nto lelt dolhsu you eb lese hte no thwa uoy sah viilng ethrye’ leif to nda eno gniod. Uyro igdno atwh ehyt soraseccesi to aer oeyur’ all rae snietwess yirltea atth to. Maretst ntgihon me. Eth it haev ehva ck,ab ’lvsduoeh irueesvn udlwo will ti if pnedha,pe uyro. I form dmae htiikngn yllfu itfrs oiseprm i ayn it scionides dna htuhorg you lelticmh htat uittohw aprt(a hnvtae’. . Cna v?e)ol hwo hfgti asceu. I all ihtw mdsonay o’luly on eht efhetxyridap hits niebg nto etltre eb of wnok of us isfredn uot. ’anct efil uoy ni tish igtshn tbu recof. Not su, ont htree’y btu yteh ti nodt’ for dgoo ehotr dogo chea kwno ofr ewre htye. Rae so adn evlo erew hcum dan so rndshfiepi ieevdrce era tawh uyo fo muhc neigv nda pety eebtrt uyo eht owrth omre than yuo. Orthe i hesco uct (iwhch syelnatipor otu, utb si on ot dweolal wath arwawdk yhte ouyr an het uro to when het lldeoofw ti ti aer tactka ot aeldbm ipfehirnds ot hent ucdol eausbec bgeni na hoiutwt edn too e)m say dne i aws dsnma,oy gitsnh ecom su and teyh wihs. Onen si hgitnnki rdlwo, y’etveh ekli yuo you nweh fo buaot utb rhtwo edrteta stol wiht elppoe r’euyo rae ’uoeyv ton all teh are tsnneasis hrotw eht dan aubcese. I eth us syad npesd emlysf, ,uyo in ym denint hwotry adn to of igbne tuufer.
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Ryos,r mi’.
Eeapsl ,em fivroge.
Katnh u,oy.
I oyu love.
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Elo,v.
Em yera x 23 dlo.

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