A letter from April 10th, 2020

Peaceful right?

Dear FutureMe, If I'm right, (which I am ofc), today is your 21st birthday. Happy birthday E <3 Who'd have thought we'd get here?? I hope you are getting spoiled, by yourself, and remembering that not all birthdays are terrible :). I hope you still have your dynamos (you better, 'cause they're the bestest friends in the world), to party with, but not TOO hard, 'cause we know how that ends! At this current time, you're probably in the middle (I hope in the middle, please don't procrastinate!!), of writing your dissertation on whatever you have chosen! (I still currently think it should be about white privilege in society, but I won't be mad if you choose something better / easier to research :) ). You've nearly graduated, which is a huge achievement, and you should be extremely proud of yourself for everything you've achieved. You may even have a boyfriend by this time, but don't worry if you don't, boys are overrated ;). As I'm sitting here rn, on my bed, at 8:15pm on a Friday night, in a global pandemic where we have been in lockdown for 15 days (and I / you have been in self isolation for about 29 days), I thought I'd tell you how much I love you. 2020 so far has definitely been a rollercoaster, if you remember, March - now has been the hardest. But you are so worth it. I don't think I know anyone more worth it than you. Don't ever let anyone take you for granted. You are worth so much more than someone just picking you up and using you, but if that does happen, pick yourself up. You've picked yourself up from rock bottom before, you can do it again. With the state of the world at the minute, its easy to crawl back into that part of yourself, who doesn't actually know how much you're actually worth.. (I'm aware I've used 'worth' like 50 times but hey i'm not one with words as we both know). And even though you've done that, for those 29 (and more) days, that doesn't make you weak, or any less what you're worth (again.. I know). The point I'm trying to make is, life is continuously kicking you / us / me down, but you CHOOSE life. Everytime. And that's something to be **** proud of. Like a dandelion through the pavement, I persist. Me and mum have almost finished the fifth season of How To Get Away With ******, (hopefully you've now watched season 6 and figured out what the hell is going on!!!), and I don't think I realised until today how much of a big impact it has had on me. I don't think I've admired anyone more than Annalise Keating. I know she's fictional, but she's incredible. She has made me love myself, which hopefully works out for you because hopefully you are loving yourself more than ever. Things I love so much about you is how kind you are, which I often take as being a pushover, which we can be, but my goodness you have a big heart. And with all that loving and helping everyone else you do, letting them enter your heart, surely there's enough room for one 19 year old who just wants to be happy :). The things I thought I hated about myself / us, are the things that make us, us. The dimples in your cheeks when you smile, and your smile which can be as wide as the Cheshire Cat's when you're laughing. Your eyes which have seen so much, but still can be just as kind when you really look into them, and the creases under them when you smile just proves how much laughing you've done when you're with the right people. The way you are with the kids makes me want to be that girl everyday. I am currently a mess, but aren't some messes beautiful? I'm a work in progress, but I promise you I will work my arse off to make sure that when you receive this, you're as happy as you can be and so loved by yourself. And if you're not? Well, you've survived 100% of your worst days yet. That's 21 years worth. But if you still have your dynamos, can see the kids, have your loving family, a roof over your head, and food on the table, then that's all you need to get through the bad days. There's always sunshine if you look for it, there's always something to laugh or smile about, and there for sure is something beautiful in everyday. You were created with a perfect palette. A palette of intelligence, stubbornness, humour, passion, and beauty and lots more that I'm willing to look into myself to find, for you. I don't know what the future holds, but I will make a future, for you, for me. Love, 19 year old me x

Epilogue

about 2 years later

Dear 19 year old me,

Wow, sometimes I think past me is more wise than current me, but we are the same person so I have that wisdom somewhere ha!...

.
Year 32 in ni nda ot udespi i’m htat ouy ilntgak mtellcyepo my flei ahdgnce my 1t2s trtl)e,e rae ondw (hwo o,wn. Yera my of it eht adn rsowt lefi tebs aws. Ourhg my swa ewer ’oyadsn‘m my ew bitdaryh acpht htohgru ,eno tgrae ont em a eitchdd 2st1 ggino a as. Oemc nw’lotud wuold be wodn by seifrdn teh ucgbinrlm of mthe rpmtebees ayn it lla ayw het i i dna wtih yar,e nowk ttha leltti huohrtgotu ddi. Ro ubt ve’i o,rryw yuo hobt maek teh redci orf tusep, d’ton su nouhge coskh hitmg fo uy,o ttha. Eloepp htat tanw toeimemss thwa oyu eanrt’ yteh i ,owkn to all esem nda. Naerso ltelit os peeopl my siearel taht fo uoanrd mfor uoy past atth eth reya myan itd’nd hreet era we ahtt ylnsntacot we it hktin usjt lunit era 2st1 ear so sof,ruel. Laso ebmcea yenetlsni ’itndd iidalusc rdopdpe uot atht i atagderu and i aer,y. Kown nto i gruthho nefdwoun ti owh able how i inot twhi nde ielv rof a nda i ogt yg…oa lepdpis enmoeso ym wudlo tbu oevl pu dnidt’ tothuiw feil to gneib. Uro ielhmctl. Hes’ oyu m,e on lodr,w and lfei epotlcmely mih vleo ahncedg ustj ahtt my etirgnevhy hrgit hes in pevcipserte si ldwou sith. .
Cakb 21ts dnatggiaru 2:1 aery dna end i m,e yaer gtuhho eaudtadrg in 2230 a yluj in idd iwht a tnwe i efrta i off pu niu my. Os lwduo ouy droup be. Durpo so i am. My and vhneacmieet ndeed ristf ksram ewf gienb off ,atde to sit’ my of swa het and ntpecoeirp on, a on pu snistidtaeor i a onlncigluse ): gisgbte.
.
I’ts vree ubt nda liivng uot eenb hte i ,irde with dceinsio tesb pu gonvmi a deedn ,llecmiht. Ym iedd wtnrgii of the it it a tol ,eyar nad in lats rghit niratsteoids dgandar hskco hutr, nad was a idlemd. H,oem dna i nwyaya a ouy see i to ltle mih go all whsi tath itno to mih coem t,lteer og of adh olknw,doc tub yuo eftra ouy tou a at opulec tefar tsiiv l’outndc culod yuo eh tweor nothms nad. Wokn ’dotn uenvrsie oruy )wll,i ouy bda ash os hte elfe i( cabk.
.
I i trehes ouy tgihsn doclu hsiw llte thta. Roupd yuo i ma ikel fo who. Dseanti shiw uoy 4 in was emnmto ot hte fo i nierdk i ohw sayre ltera. But uoy, i i ma nalhegi rsopeim. Eninr ene,b ma i ot lahe to meslyf was ikdern veha i uofrlse uor mfro esmylf anht ot am ildhc dna idrwna il,ek atht gnebi of on erev we us hale i hotes oigrknw bdroeb n’dto rstap. Sye( our tan’re adn shewpen i itbdahry a we ntgiwri oruy nylrrteuc llew right tib igpnmo nda hsepwne l!!)erte,t sa cneise ew wo,n tshnig aubsece on 4 tou oehrbtr as a am igngo mi’ fodnu afert ’id lltiet dna h1t3 hpdlee vhae iths. Ma i btu is wkgorni on taht ogtshenim. Sthi i nkriwgo so efel thta am o’tnd eoanrmy aoiebrndus tuhr we on. To it hwti rous dela yhet tno is fo catsontipexe sltoieisrpybni nto ehtor hdol ot poplees ruo era us,. I dinohlg yeu’ro taht dan olt fo wnok a. S’ti wnod put to okay mi’ lienlgt oyu sgithn steoh. Loev ykoa oipitpndas ot oyu eoplep t’si. Ont seebuac t’is orysu etrih fiel, st’i. Ash dulthnos’ waht yitccapa uoy ebuasec flie ot nad eb rouy seel hre’tey oen on ton teh indgo nlgiiv tell ouy hdoslu. Hyet ot yrou ot rea ailtrey snwtseies occsesaiser what taht you’re all rea diogn. Em oinhntg tmestar. Edpnhae,p kcba, eavh fi liwl aehv lhso’deuv snieurve it ti the lduow ruoy. Orfm and limlethc uoy nay ulyfl i adme thtuoiw ormpies csoedisin risft rohthgu ha’tevn hatt atr(pa nhiignkt ti i. . )?oevl sauec who nac gfith. Nosyamd out lla fo het begin us okwn eb otn tleert ierfnsd ulyol’ with on fo haixftyeeprd tish i. Ni this rfeoc ’tnca nthsgi tub iefl you. Owkn rh’eety nd’ot etyh odog thye tub it rfo rof ehca torhe ont ton u,s oogd erew. Rmoe os you eth umch eeievcdr etretb olev adn srhifienpd uyo tahw pyet hmuc hrwto adn aer are tnah erew so eginv and of ouy. Meco na o,tu si ishtng i the swih bmaled niegb hyte etnh ulodc ttiouhw oot ned irpfsndhie but ohert whhc(i ear yma,sdno beascue ahtw ti to tuc ehnw hyte aws )em nde taactk your na to teh i us wflleood sya on to dan ti sehco awrdwka ioaylsrtenp lewadlo ot oru. Ihtw uyo eth howtr ltso yu’oev rae lrod,w henw nto keil enno dan butoa lla ear bsauece ateedrt btu eht ’ueryo ihkginnt evt’hey epeolp oyu ssietasnn fo si horwt. Ni enidnt the rhyowt ot ysda us i npesd utfure fmlye,s ouy, bigne of dna my.
.
Yosr,r im’.
Ierfgov m,e eespla.
Y,ou hntak.
I oyu lveo.
.
Ovel,.
X 32 ryae me old.