A letter from April 14th, 2020

Hi there. It's me, or should I say you? Writing from a year ago. Remember April 2020? Let me refresh your memory. So, things are pretty bad right now. And I'm talking, worldwide pandemic, people dying, toilet paper shortage kind of bad. I mean, it's not like you don't know this. You've lived through it (hopefully) and life will probably be back to normal by the time you'll be reading this email. At least I'm praying it will. Today should have been a special date. Last night before the big move. Last sleep in my childhood bedroom. Last moments with Mom and Dad. I had been planning this for so freaking long. After ten years of yearning, imagining, picturing, wishful thinking - I was finally leaving, finally going to fulfill my life-long dream and move abroad on my own. We were definitely ready for it to happen by now, right? I was literally counting down the days, scared, excited, anxious but also weirdly calm about all of it. Funny how life works sometimes. I postponed this move SO many times, thinking I had time, thinking we had time. Thinking I was in control. Waiting for the "perfect moment" to jump and do it. So foolish. And I had everything planned out, didn't I? All the worst-case scenarios, the practical details, I had it all thought out, down to the smallest little things. Well, I couldn't have predicted a worldwide pandemic, though, I'll give myself that. Hah! For the first time in my life, something totally out of my control. How strange, and how terrifying for the control-freak I am. I'm praying you've loosened up a bit and stopped with the obsessive control thing by now. I mean, it's definitely an annoying trait. After all, I'm the one who got the word "fate" tattooed across my hip when I was seventeen. I should know some things are just meant to happen beyond our control. It's nothing new. It's the first time it's hitting me this hard, though, like this huge brick wall. Not being able to do anything about the current situation is definitely frustrating. Worst thing is having all my plans canceled in a flash. It was a tough pill to swallow, right? I mean, I've had a lump stuck in my throat for the past three weeks. Remember that stupid lump? I even went to the doctor, thinking I was sick or something. Turns out I just can't swallow that damn stupid imaginary pill. I'm not leaving tomorrow. I'm not leaving in a month, I'm not leaving anytime soon. The timeline has been destroyed. All my plans, gone. The moving abroad thing? Canceled. Over. Not happening. And I mean, you know how much this move meant to me, to us. It might seem stupid to some when people are fighting for their lives, but it was this HUGE thing, this 10-year build up, it was finally happening, and then it wasn't anymore. Worst plot twist ever. I wish this could be the other way around, and you wrote to me from the future. I wish I could read about how everything is going to turn out okay, and how I'll end up moving to Toronto and our dreams haven't been canceled - just postponed. I wish you could comfort me, tell me the world will recover from this, that everyone will get back on their feet and people will stop dying. I wish you could tell me we're all going to be alright, knowing what you know, a year from now. But it doesn't work like that, does it? Remember all those dystopian books I used to love? I still can't believe I'm living one right now. When you read this, hopefully, things will have settled down and life will be back to (semi)normal. One day, we'll be able to tell our grandchildren about the time we survived COVID19 and how the entire country went on total lockdown. We will definitely tell them about the document we had to fill out to get out of the house and go grocery shopping, how we weren't even able to go for a walk and how the government forbid us to see our friends and families. That everyone had to work from home or sometimes stop working completely. We'll tell them how the entire world somehow slowed down for those strange few weeks that turned into months while people were losing their loved ones and others were fighting for their lives in the hospital. I miss going outside. I miss going to work with earbuds in my ears, I miss walking around my hometown. I never thought I would ever say this but I miss hugging people. I miss sitting outside at a terrace, sipping on a coffee and smoking a cigarette. I miss going to restaurants and shops. Hell, I even miss the annoying stuff. I miss hearing the idiots clap after the plane lands. I miss life as we used to know it. I never thought this would happen. I never thought these little things I took for granted every single day could ever be taken away from me. I have no idea where the world is at right now when you're reading this. I hope you're safe and Mom and Dad are too. I mean, I'm sure many things have changed. Maybe for the better? Or we're totally right back into our old nasty habits and people have forgotten about all of this already? I don't know if you're still at home (I'm seriously hoping you're not) or if you managed to leave and eventually move abroad like we had planned. I'm praying that you did. Things are so fragile right now, everything is so uncertain, and it's hard to cope, because I have no freaking idea what I'm going to do for the next months, you know? I mean, of course you know. You're future me. You've lived through this. Listen, no matter where you're at, I want you to take a step back and be grateful. I want you to take it all in. I want you to enjoy every little thing. I want you to appreciate all the stuff you've always done without having a second thought about them. Like having a beer and laughing with your friends while sitting outside a bar after work. Or having coffee outside on a Saturday afternoon. Walking around the city. Breathing in the fresh air. Even going to work. Planning your next vacation. Sitting on a plane. You can NEVER take those for granted again. Everything can change in a heartbeat. You never know what tomorrow holds. It might be a stupid cliché but this year and this crazy pandemic definitely proved us it's true. Promise me and promise yourself you will forever be grateful. Especially if you managed to leave. Because if you're reading this from Toronto, well... High five. You're living our dream, girl. You made it and fought through, despite all the freaking odds that were definitely not in your favor! My visa expires in fifteen days. All the borders are closed until further notice. God only knows what my future holds. God, and yourself, reading this email, I guess. I would lie if I said I wasn't scared. But I can't do much about it except stay home and wait for this whole thing to pass. For the first time in my life, I have zero control over what's happening. And it's fucking terrifying, but maybe this needs to happen. Maybe I need to loosen my grip and finally learn to let go. Maybe this is necessary, despite the utter fear and anxiety I'm feeling. But anyways, Future Me. Hope you're taking care of yourself and living life to the fullest. Hope you're finally living our dream out there in Canada. Hope you're happy and forever thankful if that's the case. Be safe and don't forget to enjoy life along the way. I'm hoping you've learned the art of letting things go and accepting fate. I guess I'm going through it and learning about it myself right now so you can pull through and be super wise in a year, huh? It's still really hard for now but I'll keep trying, for our sake. You'll come out of all this stronger and wiser, right? Have a drink on me, or should I say on us tonight. Go out, have fun, hug your friends, tell Mom and Dad you love them. With all my love, Your old self.