A letter from April 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Right now, I just finished drawing a calendar for my pills and I realized how many days I have left. How many days and weeks and months I've been on this medication. I started on November 1, 2019. and right now, my end date is May 14, 2020. I am beyond proud. Just looking back at all the feelings i've had, days where i really wanted to end my life and days that I was so happy and depressed days and LOTS of moodswings. The months of having trouble getting to sleep because my back hurt so much, all the heel pain from jumping off my bed and all of the times I FREAKED out because of a social event. Days I couldn't see a future for myself and days where I couldn't stop planning for the future. AND most of all, all the messages I replied to with "I'm doing great!" when I was thinking about killing myself. This has been such a long journey full of suffering and pain and sadness. What I'm looking forward to is all of my symptoms going away. The muscle pain, the eye problems, the intense dangerous mood swings, depression, social anxiety, and acne. I never want to forget I overcame this, but I also never want to think about this again. This was a VERY dark time in my life (I'm sure there'll be worse) and COVID-19 definitely didn't help my depression, but it did provide me a safe place to heal and not worry about going in public. I hope you're doing REALLY well, I love you so much and whatever is going on in your life right now, I want you to know that if nobody else loves you or whatever the fuck, I do and it doesn't matter if you don't get a cool job or if you never go to college or get married or have kids or travel that its ok. This life isn't really about what society/family/people expect of you, it's what you decide to do to make you happy, don't kill yourself, make yourself happy, change your situation, you're gonna live a long life, atleast make yourself happy and do the things you love