A letter from April 17th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, At this moment in time we’re in lockdown because of the coronavirus. Im sitting in my room, and it’s 11:27pm. I met a guy at the start of this year, called Luka. You’ll still be in the same year, same classes, same school as him when you read this in a years time. When I first met Luka, I had no clue just how much he would effect me and my life. I fell for him way harder than I thought, his laugh, his witty spontaneity, his intelligence, his everything. I fell for the possibilities of meeting such a guy. It turns out he had a girlfriend. Now I’m happy for him and all, I see him on FaceTime to her, and it makes me happy seeing that he’s happy and content with her, but part of me is left wanting to be his everything. You’ve always spoken to me, looked at me, laughed with me, been with me in a way that you aren’t with anyone else. It makes me believe that we could be something in the future, or now. But all of these happy times come to an end all too soon. You leave me feeling deflated and withered because of the constant ‘up down’ that you put me through, one minute you’re flirting with me, the next you’re ignoring me and on FaceTime to your girlfriend. I don’t know what to do. You’ve made me cry. You’ve made me question what I was doing wrong. You’ve made me question myself, because of your self absorption and inability to see how your flirtatious behaviour influences others who value you the most. I love you. But I hate you for putting me through all this. Do you enjoy it? The way I flirt back because it gives me hope? Does it make you miss your girlfriend less because there’s someone who is willing to give you attention in that way? So you even see me in that way? I really hope that you’re happy, and that you figure out what you want from me. I want to stay friends with you, but the only friend that you’ve been is one that makes my wounds and then sews them back up again. When you’re reading this again, it will be the 17th of April 2021. I really hope that you’re in a better place than you are now. You’re going to ace your A-levels, and have the most amazing summed, with the most amazing people. You are so much stronger than you think. Love yourself.