A letter from May 4th, 2020

Dear me, here i am again. i think it is just easier to talk to myself than anyone else. so i am gonna pour my heart out. if anything maybe it'll make you feel better. i am feeling a little gloomy today? no just today but rather this week. today is monday but since last monday, i have been feeling trapped in my own mind. as the countdown goes down, my anxiety spreads a little bit further, almost limiting my abilities. today we have 80 days. (you probably have around 50 days to go.) i know that i should be studying instead of fearing the exam. i know that i will suffice. (never doubt it, like i am doing right now.) i know i'll get in somewhere. but knowing that i may not meet my expectations (no "the" expectations) is depressing. all this work, all these 5 am mornings, all this supressed tears is just makes the ending more gigantic as the possibility of failure. people tell me to take one step at a time. but i feel like everyone else is already running. they tell me that i am a nerd who over-worries. that i study too much. they yell at me when i worry over skipping just a session of revising or a wrong question. i still don't understand them. i hope you have that figured out. i also believe that once this is all over, you'll be able to understand you/me better. take a big breath. stop standing on your toes. express yourself better, more freely. stop what everyone else think, thought or will think. you are living this life only and only for yourself. but also i would like you to remember, you always come the first place. you are faster than them. you are speed. wer are speed. i am speed. (wink wink)(get it?) just remember why you started. don't think about your family -your lil sis who looks up to you- (i may be crying right now lol) or your teachers who you owe so much to. only think about what you have promised yourself. think about all the compromises you have made so far. think about all the people you'll inspire and educate in the long run. this letter may seem like it's all over the place, which it is. but i wanted to cover many topics in one go. because i know you'll be needing this. you got this. (even though i have lost it for now)you will bemore than ok. you will be glorious. i love you. hope you love you too. bai