A letter from May 11th, 2020

Dear Maeve, I hope this finds you well, and I hope you're okay. By the time you're reading this, you're well on your way to finishing up your master's program. I know you are because I know you can't just quit something like this. PHEW. HOW WAS IT??? Are you good?? Are you dying??? I'm literally so excited and anxious to find out what it's like!!!! I just finished my last final and presentation of my undergrad degree. Do you remember how much you were sweating? Do you remember how you ran down the stairs to grab some sort of sustenance to get you calm (grapes)? Right now we're in a middle of a quarantine. This is a historic event you're going through, and right now, I'm unsure of the future. I've been having a lot of existential crises at this time. Will we get out of this period? How will we end up in the end? Will I be able to have the experiences I've been wanting to experience in my life? How will my career end up in the end? There's a lot going on in my mind. However, I've been really positive. In fact, I've been really comfortable. Staying home hasn't bothered me as much. I think it's because when I lived in the city, I was able to find something to do and somewhere to go without worrying. It has drained me though, I spent a lot of my energy exploring the 13 miles of Manhattan, and the extra five of the Bronx. So right now, I just travel my little home. I run around my neighborhood too, just to keep some normalcy to reflect the routine I used to have. If it rains, I spend a lot of my time inside, and it's honestly very calming. I spent a lot of time making a bucket list. There's a lot of places I want to go, learn, and do. This really helps me to get myself focused on what matters to me, which is my future. I'm super hopeful for it. I hope to continue building this. It sucks that my graduation isn't happening. I feel like the celebration that I'm trying to conjure doesn't equal the celebrate the one of me physically walking across the stage. I really wanted that experience of being able to walk across Radio City, receiving my diploma, and switching my tassel's position. In just a second, it all goes away. It's the biggest lesson that life gives is that it is unpredictable. You can never expect anything. I'm super positive though, I'm really glad that I was able to end the four hardest years of my life, and if anything, I'm just thankful for the experience. College has been so amazing to me. I've met some funny characters, traumatized myself by a lot, and developed this new me that high school me would be SHOCKED to see. Like, she would be so ashamed of me now LOLOLOLOL. Hopefully you didn't change too much because of the master's program. Speaking of the master's program, I'm gonna be starting graduate school in August! That's something I am SUPER excited about. I really hope that fall semester is in person because I do miss the in person instruction. I hope I can make some friends there! On the other hand, I kind of hope it's online because I would LOVE to attend EDC Las Vegas later in the year LMAO. It sounds so selfish but I really want to experience that at least. Again, I'm not sure how life will be after this quarantine. I miss interacting with people who aren't my family. You probably remember this too, but I really am fishy about the friends I'm around right now. I'm constantly questioning myself: Are they still friends with me? Do they want to talk to me only because they want something? What's going on with us right now? I hope that I can make peace and amends with some of them, or completely cut them off. As of right now, I'm at peace being by myself. I think I may actually be an introvert after all, haha. I'm starting a new chapter in my life, and I want to be able to progress as a person and grow beyond where I was planted. I hope at this point in your life you're satisfied. And that you have a good support system to go back to when you're stuck. It's okay to be stuck. You and I know how much I can be stuck. No pressure though, we'll be okay. <3 At this point, I want to be able to give myself some advice for when this is sent. Here goes: - Put yourself first. Yes, I am very selfless, however, be sure to put yourself first. YOU are the one who matters most. You are doing what you are doing in your life for YOU. You will be helping out so many people, but you aren't doing it just for them. You are doing it because that's what YOU enjoy. - Prioritize. I have so many issues with figuring out what I want to do/what I need to do right now and it's so annoying. I literally finished that last presentation during class and before I PRESENTED!!! I hope you've figured out a surefire way of doing that. - I hope you stopped, or at least lessened your drug use. Dude, I really think I have permanent brain damage and it's terrible because I lose focus and memory and attention. If you haven't, can you please stop? I'm noticing it's not helping me and yet I still do it. Just please find a way to get your serotonin back. Finally, I have some questions: - What is the fate of the future? Is everything okay? Did we find a vaccine? Are policies changed? Am I able to go to EDC or other festivals? Oof I hope so. - Are you and Pat still together? I love him so much. He is the absolute world to me and I really hope that you're still with him, and I REALLY HOPE HE PROPOSED!! If you're not, that's okay. I hope you haven't found another boyfriend RIGHT AFTER Pat because, going back to my first advice bullet, you need to put yourself first. - Have you ever ironed out things with certain people? How did that go? Are we all still associated with each other? - What happens now? Where will we be? Will I be teaching? Am I traveling? - Are you happy? Did you get everything you and I wanted? I know these are super hard questions to answer, but now that you'll be getting that nice M.S. CCC-SLP, TSSLD next to your name, I think you're capable of answering these. Congratulations on finishing your program and graduating! I'm so proud of you. You've accomplished so much coming to this point. You're just one step closer to being a real working woman! I wonder what I'll spend my first big girl paycheck on hehe. But maybe the later-half-of-2022 me will be able to answer that one. ;) Until then, I send you so much love from 2020. With love, always, Maeve