A letter from May 16th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, At this very moment in my life I am newly 27 years old and living through a pandemic. We are on "lockdown" and it means we have to stay home and it's been difficult to keep the mind afloat. I actually did catch the virus, COVID-19, and it was rough. I've never felt fevers or body aches like that. My breathing was bad but thankfully my asthma did not give any complications. As a result, I couldn't see Juan for 17 days and I miss him. I miss being next to him. I have now been with Lola for 5 years and what a rollercoaster that has been. At the moment I am disappointed that we aren't engaged yet and because of that i need a mental break just because I keep expecting some romantic gesture to indicate a proposal but it hasn't happened and I think I truly need to manage those expectations. He is a good man. He does his best to support me in any way he can and for that I am grateful and I hate that I sabotage myself. I believe I don't deserve any happiness. But, there are times where I can manage to tell myself that I DO DESERVE happiness, joy, and love. I have put myself through a lot out of pure stupidity and feeling invincible. I hope one day I can just accept all good things that come my way without being scared of something negative to follow. Life really can be hard but there are definitely things to live for and i've learned to love life in ways i didn't before. Juan is a big part of that. We have travelled together and it's been some of the best moments of my life thus far. I am employed luckily still and I hope to find a career path this year and pursue it in the next 2 years or so. I really don't know what I want to do but I feel like I have to do something to further my career opportunities. I just want to be proud of myself and stable. -You.