A letter from May 20th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, This letter isn’t thought out at all. It isn’t filled with the usual crafty questions I would ask myself. In fact it is being written in bed at 6:39am when I should be clocking in for work so I can GTFO early. Right now there is a worldwide pandemic going on. Right now you are mad at your boyfriend over a mini argument you had. After every argument you wonder if you two should be together or if you are just not sure how a relationship should work. You don’t have many positive ones to rely on. In fact, you don’t know any. Not an exaggeration. You’ve seen brothers cheat on every single girlfriend they’ve had. Every one of your sisters has dated someone who for a lack of a better word ...sucks - cheaters & beaters. You don’t have these issues in your relationship so it makes it harder to assess if it’s right or not. You’ve been filled with Hollywood’s version of what relationships should look like so you are clueless. And you doubt yourself and you look for signs and you second guess things. I hope by this time you’ve found some clarity. Right now you are also angry at your best friend. For not being as strong as you think she could have been. For not being there for you. You wish you didn’t believe in the concept of a best friend. You know that you do. You know it’s unfair to rely on one person for all your needs. You know in the end you have to be strong enough on your own. You are hoping more time with your therapist will help you with your abandonment issues. The one that deep down makes you think everyone will leave you because you aren’t worthy. You are also hoping that the therapist will help you with your need to overexcel/do more. I’m specifically talking about at work/in your career and in your side hustles. You expect so much from yourself, but are you really being fair? Do you thinking performing at super human levels will keep people from discovering who you really are? Who are you? What do you want from life? The ideal persona of me is one that is fair to herself. She’s the woman who doesn’t let her self worth waiver due to others. This isn’t to say we don’t need others. We do. But at the end of the day - it is you with your thoughts and people die, people leave, people drift apart. Having my self worth tied up in the strength of these relationships is a disaster waiting to happen. Back to this ideal persona: she’s fit, she makes time for yoga, she travels regularly and she feels fulfilled at her day job. I’m randomly sending this letter in December next year. I’m hoping that by then : 1. Someone has figured out COVID 2. You are not working at that job anymore 3. You’ve finished paying off your debt and are saving for your first house 4. You are brave enough to let go