A letter from June 22nd, 2020

Dear FutureMe, Love. A simple word. A not so simple feeling. Everyone wants love at some point in life, right now your not completely okay because of love. A boy. 20 years old. He likes to think he’s a man but he’s not what I picture a man to be. He says he has “feelings” for you. Right now you don’t know him well enough to know if he’s lying. You hope not. Today June 21st 2020 you were frustrated, you cried, you felt like giving up. On him. On love. You’ve been through the same cycle of wanting love, wanting to be loved, wanting a relationship, a future. You want it so desperately to work this time. With D it took four years to let go. With N, a few months. I wonder, will J be the same? Longer? Shorter? Will by a bit of luck, it actually work out this time? There’s more cons than pros and all your friends are telling you to cut him off. It’s hard. You know he’s not what you dreamed of and he doesn’t treat you the way you know you deserve and want. But you like him. Really like him. Have “feelings” for him. He’s still messaging and seeing other girls. Most likely casual. You don’t want to ask, your afraid of his answer. He works with a woman who he slept with to get him the job. A woman who went out of her way to get him a good paying job at 20 years old. But she doesn’t have feelings for him too. Right? One other girl he said. When you asked if you were the only one. Ask me. He said when you said you only spoke to him. Ask him if he wants to only to speak to me. Ask him if he want exclusivity. You shouldn’t have to ask. He should want to tell you the answers you want to hear. Without hesitation. With excitement. You haven’t asked. You don’t intend to. Again, you’re scared of the answer. How many times are you going to go through this? How many more are there? When will your one come along? Your friends seem to have it so easy. Relationship wise. Your bestest friend, right now she’s three years in. She’s still happy. Their comfortable. Two unlikely people come together on your prediction. Another friend is on her second serious relationship. Their comfortable. Happy. The only other single friend is talking to a guy. It seems to be going very well. Their happy. Seem good for one another. Yet you. You seem to be in a never ending infinite pool. You meet someone, start to like them, get attached, they like you back, say their attached. Then you drown. You come back to life. You meet someone else. Grow attached. They say the same. You hope they mean it. Maybe they did for a little bit. You’re always honest and blunt about what you want from them. They are not the same. The confrontation. I want this what do you want? Different things. You drown. Again. Again. Again. You’ve wrote down on the notes in your phone what you want to say to him. You don’t want to forget a single point to be made. Next time in person. If you say it over text he doesn’t take it in. Doesn’t pay attention. In person he has no choice. Maybe by the time you read this a year from now, you’ll laugh, it didn’t work out but you’ve moved on and now your speaking to someone new. Maybe it worked out and he changed. Your happy. Comfortable. Maybe your still stuck in the cycle. Still drowning. Maybe. There’s a chance you won’t even read this at all. Your dead. Or you’ve got a new email, never know. Whichever it is. Love will come. It’s on it’s way. You’ve received this on your birthday. Significant. Has meaning. So Happy Birthday. From past you. X