A letter from September 9th, 2020

Dear FutureMe, LOL. Err..., uhmm... ok here it goes.. many uncertainties that come with living and being human yk and you finally agreed that your real self is what you feel like when you find some kind of certainty,and you most likely feel like you are always going to be a mystery till well you find some certainty- *****,the only certainty evident to you as human. you can only discover yourself in whatever comes with ***** and well after it. stop trying hard to figure out what you can't. You still probably seek this inner peace yk,you stop talking to people cause well you seek the happiness that you believe 'lives within' and you end up having guilt trips in your 'self-realization' state cause you know you end up hurting people that care,pushing away peopleI actually wanted to write this since like forever- six months ago when i found out a website like this existed.I just really never knew what to write you know. I want to write about who I dream you'd be like, look like,talk like and all that, but I figured you are an uncertainty, I figured this would be another one of those unanswered letters I used to write to GOD when I was younger yk,letters to someone I wasn't sure existed but believe so much in,so much I make you/HIM an extension of my wishes,dreams and all that,someone I wish existed the way i pictured you/HIM in my head,sometimes terrified of your/HIS possible non-existence,which is why this letter will be different yk,not what you wrote to someone you never saw but to someone you already are. BTW, I lowkey want you to look like 17 year old Nigerian Kylie JENNNER and Wun-Nam hybrid. You still probably give 5 different answers to a question to 5 different people,you are still very confused,searching for a purpose,certainty, fulfillment,something to keep you wanting to be alive and not just not needing to be,still searching for who you are. By now, you have come to some sort of resolution to your personal conflict, you realize you can't figure out who you are cause well all your life, you've had all these labels on you, someone's daughter,friend and all that, you've always been what different people thought of you to be,you finally realize that who you are might not be for you to discover yk,probably cause of all the because you so much crave this feeling of independence but darling, I am YOU and i know by nwo,you don't really seek anything. I know you are SCARED, scared of being that 'safe place' to people, scared of being who people want to share all their troubles,happiness and all that, not because you don't care but cause you fear that by being that 'safe place' to people, you'll expose more of what is wrong with, you are scared of realizing that you are more distraught,confused,worried and scared than you think you are. I'm not going to ask you to chnage, I think OBLIVION works for you yk. You still nurse all these silly insecurities and I am sure you still have this weird body dysmorphia of virtually all the parts people don't care to see but you just never stop worrying. You still recite self-loving mantras to your reflection,take these pictures you delete after sending them out and hear them make comments that you actually never believe in, you still try so hard to find the goodness,beauty that some people believe in so much,you still convince yourself that humans, like you, will always try to please, and never actually mean what they say, cause well humans change, they stop loving,adoring and all that. But honestly,I think you care about what they say,you want to hear it,you want all these adorable labels but you are just scared, scared that one day,you'll run out of this 'beauty' and people would just stop wanting you yk. I'd say you keep this thought, cause well humans change up and all that. you still seek happiness and you so much long for that stretch of happy years you had when you were younger. You still get very nostalgic about your happy childhood, you still want that fulfillment that came with not having to worry. But now, you have realized it was never happiness, you realize everything was always wrong, wih you, the world and everyone. You now realize you were 'happy' cause well you were young, innocent and oblivious to how wrong things were and now you finally conclude that happiness never existed and you actually never sought 'happiness' but actually, what you seek is OBLIVION', you seek a chance to not know how messed up you and every other thing is. your biggest fear is still REGRET. You fear that you'd go to heaven regretting all the things you were told not to do or that you'll be in hell regretting all the things you did but was told not to or you'd be in your grave, regretting that you put so much faith in the existence of a plane,an afterlife, where you believe there'd be some kind of fairness yk, it'd be a compensation for those who suffered and redemption for those who didn't. You just don't want to end up bitter about what you did and what you did not. DEAR ME, I hope you just stop doing silly things that defy the ever changing 'normalcy' paradigm, you should really stop pacing about, building this life you wish you had and i hope for your sake, you stop obsessing over your ex-primary schoolmate, it's just very corny. I know you haven't changed at all, it's just span of months. With Love From, All the years you lived before.