A letter from February 4th, 2021

to be honest i dont think it will work. i am going to ruin it. my affection is going to ruin it. i can already tell that it is taking its toll. i can already tell he doesnt like me as much as he did before. there is no more "you make me happy". there is no more "you are favorite person". there is no more "i adore you". i show too much affection way too early. my gut is telling me to pull away and just stop feeling. stop texting him. stop thinking of him. just stop already. i can tell by our facetime today that it's just not the same. i remember telling him about my hatred for blueberries and how he once taught me how to make a quesadilla. now our time spent together is in silence. comfortable but empty silence. there's no new memories made. just silence. i like him and he says he likes me, but i dont know if it is enough. i dont think it is enough. we are miles away and college is around the corner. even if it could work out i am self destructing bomb just waiting to go off. im loaded with insecurities and overthink everything. i need reassurance, but that stopped a while ago didn't it? i feel like a ball and chain demanding attention and being an inconvenience. why is he still talking to me? is it out of pity because he knows i like him? is it because he likes the attention? is it because he is bored? it hurts to think that we could return to being strangers, but this time with memories. i think about him too much. i think about his smile and his catchphrases. i think about cuddles and hugs, snuggles and picnics, late night drives and early mornings. i think about him when i wake up and and when i go to sleep. i think about him and i should stop, right? i want him to end it. i want him to tell me he's lost interest. i want him to tell me i'm too much. it will break me, but at least i will have a reason for crying.