A letter from Jun 27th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, This is kind of hard to write. A big risk, too. We all want to write these letters to our future selves to motivate ourselves to do stuff or to remain calm about certain issues because we are confident that things will change. But what if they don't? What if all this letter does when it arrives is make me feel worse about what's making me feel bad now? I don't know, but I have to take the risk. Almost everything in life is going great right now. I'm in college studying what I love, I have good grades, I have a beautiful cat, great friends. COVID vaccination is actually going pretty good in my country despite it being the third-world, poor, indebted country that it is. What's troubling me is my love life. I hate myself for that. I hate that I can't appreciate all the great things in my life just because of that. I hate that, as a feminist, I feel like I "need" a man in my life. I know I don't need one, I would just "like" one. What's wrong with that? I don't know. But I hate that I'm not okay with being alone. I know I like being alone. I like spending time alone, and I enjoy my own company. But I miss love. I miss that feeling of loving someone, of looking at them and feeling *that* feeling inside, of knowing that someone is actively choosing to spend and share their time with you. And I can't deny that. I'm 21, and I've only ever been in love 2 times. One time, I was in high school and it ended up being my first relationship. The other time was this past summer. It was so intense, so beautiful and I ended up having to watch him kiss and fool around with another girl right in front of my eyes. It was like a slap in the face. I just feel like I'll never find anyone. And part of me goes "so what if you don't? You shouldn't need another person to be happy". I know. I know. I KNOW. I know I shouldn't. I just want that feeling again, and I want it to last. So, what's gonna happen when I open this letter in the future? Will I be like "oh, honey, don't worry, you found someone"? Or will I be alone again and cry and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Worst part is, this is not under my control. There's nothing that I can do to make myself fall in love with someone, or to make someone fall in love with me. I absolutely despise dating apps. College is online at the moment, so it's not like there are places where I can meet people. Sometimes I feel like I should just move to another city and start over. I'm still "young", right. This is supposed to be the time in your life where you take risks and do stupid things. But I'm too anxious to do that. Maybe opening this letter could be a sign. If things are fine, then things are fine. If not, then maybe it's time.