A letter from Aug 21st, 2021

Dear FutureMe, The one thing you are scared of right now is you mind. The dark and scary thoughts as well as things that have been said to you. I want you to be able to forgive those who have hurt you. I know forgetting is a harder fight but I believe in us. Not everything is as it seems, right now might be the worse part of our life. But it might open up a new opportunity, a new chance to grow as a person. Right now you are fighting your hardest but it will get better, it has to. Right? You fought long and hard, now relax. And remember who we are. You are strong, brave and maybe blunt as hell. But at least you know who you are. Not many can say that, but lucky for us, we can. Because when you set your mind to something, you will not rest until it's done. You're ambitious, highly motivated, and impossible to knock down. Challenges are exciting to you, not something to back away from. You love a good, spirited debate— and you love being right, too. Sure, your impatience and occasional stubbornness might frustrate those around you sometimes, but they appreciate the fact that you always get things done. Your strong will and tireless energy will take you far in life. Just don't forget to take a little time to breathe, too. Because once upon a time I guess I forget to breathe.  Thoughts from January 2021: You ****** me! You ******* *******! With every God**** word! I can’t trust anyone anymore… Why? Because the person I thought would never turn on me, turned on me… The one person I thought would never hurt me, hurt me… So tell me, why should I trust anyone else? Sometimes I wonder about my worth in this world. I know people will say they love and miss me. But they don't, because they never truly know me. They know the character I act in everyday. All the fake smiles, laughs, actions, and words. Have they noticed that I force myself out of bed sometimes? No, okay. How about when I ignored my pain to deal with you and your feelings? Still no? See, it's things like this that slightly piss me off. I get closed off, I get coldhearted. But at the end of the day I want someone to notice all my unshed tears. I want someone to see through all my ********! I know the people around me care, and I'm thankful for that. But they never notice how their actions or words make me feel. 'Why can't you put this much effort into your school work?' First off it takes me a few hours to do an essay or slideshow. 'all know you put the least amount of effort into your school work.' I, I don't know what to say to that but it pissed me the hell off! I'm done, so done with ******* trying! But at one point I will break all your actions and words, you've said I will tell you, I will tell you how I feel, words I wished I said. That day will be the day I ruin relationships. That day I will piss off everyone I know. And you know what? I'm perfectly fine with that. I'm done having to be someone I don't want to be already. Biting my tongue from saying remarks. I'm done having to change who I am all the time. I'm done trying to fit others expectations, I'm done being the best person I can be. I'm done worrying every **** day about you. I'm done worrying what will set you off. I'm done, when you piss me off I will speak my mind, not caring if I piss you off. Finally letting you know how I feel. Happy? I'm done with feeling like this, being hurt, being expected to know everything all the time. Time to put my walls back up... Taking them down was the biggest ******* mistake…