A letter from Sep 5th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, The last few months have been what i would call some of the hardest. It really was a time of joy, friendship, self-discovery and introspection. I learned about pain I never had before, interactions i thought were meaningless and loss I never guessed i would come to have a mere 9 months ago. As much as this is most probably the focal point of my budding career, Id like to believe the biggest lesson i learned came not from my straight 11 A results and scholarship acceptance, but from the friendships I formed during this time. One of which, taught me more than 10 years of friendship with someone else ever did or maybe ever will. Sometimes, losing a friend teaches you about the grief of loss, sometimes it teaches you how to let go, or sometimes the loss itself can teach you what the pinnacle of a friendship really means, what it is. More than anything, it can show you how holding on to it was holding you back. Back from the road out of your comfort zone and loneliness, which can often be exactly where you're supposed to be. Holding on to the wrong person can strip you of your values and goals in life, as everything begins to shape itself to its suitor, in this case, not you. You become the marionette, they the puppeteer. What happens when you let someone else encapsulate your very being? They cloud your view. You become blinded of how the positives fall so short from the negatives. In fact, you dont see the negatives at all. They become the epitome of everything you want to have and never want to leave. Longing for someone isnt always a bad thing. But, why long for the rose that pricks you? Why do you want someone who has you on reigns all the time? Why do you want someone who treats you as a trophy, an award? The heart wants what it wants while the mind refuses to inject it with truth. Why? Because the truth always hurts. It could just be because they came at the most perfect time, when you were most vulnerable of course. What better time to make someone feel you need them. The worst part being, it actually works. Every moment, every word, just echoes louder and louder each time. I want them to be happy. I just want him to be happy. but How will I be. A few months from now, my whole world is going to change. I feel like im going to lose something that i will never get back. Something that will leave a scathe so deep that it is never going to heal. I dont want to believe it will be true. I dont want to move on. I dont know how things will be better. In two years, I dont know who i will be, when i dont even know myself anymore. I do know for one, wherever or whoever you are, I hope you are in a better place now. I hope you found people who make you feel that sense of home once again, but this time, you get to be someone you love. Dont hold on to something that is not meant for you. Everything will be ok. <3