A letter from Sep 24th, 2021

Dear 21 year old Engy, I know right now you're experiencing such a void that you're trying to cement with miscellaneous hobbies from crocheting to painting to making pottery off of air dry clay to journaling to wanting to write a book. You are not necessarily talented enough to do any but they all act as distractions for you so you float with them. you feel so lonely and you feel like all the friendships you have are not real or genuine they're just there because of history or convenience. You wonder if a year from now that wouldn't be your case or if you have made friends or met someone or learned something new about this cruel feeling you call existing. I wonder if it does actually get better. I'm writing to you now In ache and longing for an answer that relieves me in one year time. Tell me is everything okay or are you still hiding behind the fact that it will eventually get better. but when will it though? *I'm currently listening to dark red by Steve Lacy and its making me sad in the best way possible.* Anyway, if there's anything I can tell you about yourself rn is that it really isn't your fault, ALSO you should be more clear with your intentions stop faking your emotional façade in fear of rejection, because if you keep fearing it you won't reach anywhere and you'll just live with open ended questions that will keep u up at night. I feel so ugly rn with bangs idk what your hair is like rn but I hope you like it and its not making you insecure also I hope you accept the body you're in yeah you did gain a few kilos but that doesn't mean you should over think it to the point of not wanting to leave your room. build a healthy relationship with yourself, not every mental breakdown should be followed by a horrendous haircut. have you maybe tried baking??? I hope you meet someone who actually likes you for you and doesn't give you mixed signals. I hope you've been on at least 3 dates, you've waited for so long its you time for you to embark on the dating scene. Remember how you'd always be like next year would be so different each other year and its true you do get to meet different people with each year , you don't know you might meet someone in 5 months that will make you love or hate life. Life is so unpredictable. At this point this is the only thought that keeps me going. If you're not ready to date that's also okay. I totally get you, you got absolutely no game... HAHAH anyways if i can give u one advice is to never be completely attached with a guy whos only had one rs and still isnt over his ex because hell make ur life hell and also dont get too attached to any guy who shows u inconsistent love and affection you deserve way better than this. hopefully a year from now everything is different you make new friends be more out there accepting all forms of love because you truly do deserve it. i wish u the best love u. -urs truly engy