A letter from Oct 27th, 2021

Dear FutureMe, I turned 20 today. And i have been calling myself 20 since a month now to get used to it. I just read a letter my 19 year old wrote and trust me everytime you think you are mature enough, next year you thinks it was embarrassing. So when i say your 19 yo letter was embarrassing, yes it was. So its 20. Am 20. 2021. Haahhh. But i laughed reading that letter, it said and i quote " i hope you are in a better mental state and not on medication anymore " like looooooollll. The biggest lol. Am still on medication my darling. So its been like what, 2+ years of depression. Hah. Lyt. Anyways. I was waiting for this letter thinking i wrote something to do this day but nah. I think i wrote that for new years. Its 6.30 am. Idk why i put so much worth into some close friends wishing me when they dont its only disappointment. Anyway. Trying to let that go. I got such a weird scary dream today. ****. Hmmm What else You will be 21 when you receive this. Oh and btw i just finished my 2nd yr finals. Inshallah let me pass. I started writing this on bday but am not able to finish it yet. Am **** busy. Not actually but like not mentally free to write you a letter. Am in bus rn listening to stand by your man by carla bruni. Its a stupid song but i can feel the hopelessly in love i will die for you vibes from it and i can see myself in that state if i dont control myself but then again i dont want to. I want to fall. When i actually find someone i really love, i want to fall deep. I wrote a piece on it and i am always amazed after reading it. Like how did i even come up with that? It was during episodes anyway so i dont remember. Stupid **** made half my memory wiped away. Its raining btw. Its a kind of solace. Not the irriating rains or romantic ones. The kind where the rain is reaching out for you. Searching for you. Bringing you a sense of warmth even though its cold physically. On your 21st Why dont you go visit a museum? The nizams museum? Next time i dont want to put that much worth in a stupid day. This year i just took an off and stayed home doing my routine. Sleeping mostly. It was cool. Some cyclone gulab is hitting these days and its getting darker and darker.  So anyway. Then on Sunday i went to family dinner, summi didi log ke saath. It was satisfactory. I was happy. It was nice. We can do that again. But for solo? Museum date is nice. Oh wow its a saturday right? Nice. You can plan something. Dont gift yourself anything (customised) i only got disappointment. I spent and i hated it so much i throwed it away. Brrrrrr. I want to erase that from my memory. Okay So i didnt give any useful advice yet. Probably because am useless? Haha. Ok Now i can feel the cringe you must be feeling. Even the above line is cringe right? Aaughjdksksls Museum Or go out with a friend? Hmmm probably not. Thats it. If i have something i will add or just send this letter. Cheers to 21! And to final year! Finally ugh. Hey so update Its 27th oct I almost forgot to send this letter i remembered it now because i got a letter yesterday , from flood week. Sksksks I found a song that totally represents my love life - IDK you yet. Its beautiful. And yes alhamdulillah i passed second year first class , distinction in path micro. Sbjskslslalslsl Lyt lyt Not feeling inadequate for that I should be happy Anyway Happy 21st I cant believe i keep ageing I mean, theres more? You could just spend your bday with yourself at home doing regular things Just remember that I know its hard, how much ever we try and swim and gasp and reach the surface the tides keep pulling back into the depths. Lets learn to breathe in the deep then. If you cant oppose just adapt . Its your bday and am typing this ****. Am sorry. I had a bad bad baaad day. Gotta start new tabs tomorrow. I hope this depression doesn't come back anymore. Am so so exhausted. I might just give up someday out of the blue. The only thing stopping me is that its haram. Am doing it for allah not for me. I dont really have any more will left to live. Btw am on terrace rn. Spend your night here today? An hour or so. Its peaceful. Cold breeze. Azaan. Some announcements. Kisi ke janaze ki namaz shayad. Theres a star in the sky. Clouds are mosaic. And well then theres me, lonely as ever. I love you I dont want you to die Please dont **** yourself Lets live whatever life allah gave us Lets not give up baby Hmm Its okay In the long run all of this will be hardly a distant hazy memory I read a beautiful thing today, brought out a genuine smile out of me "May be love is also a form of rizq, and your rizq is written in someones heart" Honestly, the possibility that i will find someone who will love me and fill my void is what keeps me going now. No career goals are enough to make me want to live. But i still love you And i will be okay with what you decide But you will have to live with the consequences So just Have a good 21 my love Pray for us Pray for a good love Pray for a good aakhirah Take care love.