A letter from Sep 09, 2022

Dear FutureMe, i’m making it a habit to write annual letters to myself. this year has had its ups and downs already. high school is a lot of drama. honestly it’s just me, it’s me overthinking and worrying about every situation. i think it’s a trauma response or something. i develop obsessions very easily. i have the most unhealthy habits. i have issues. unresolved issues and this is how i cope. i leave it to my brain to eventually either forget about it or think about it so much that i give up thinking and move on. i do think i’m getting better though. i’m not the worst i’ve ever been. i have an unnecessary amount of stress i carry. and the majority is about things i can’t control or situations where i take conversations out of context. i might be autistic or something. i have no idea. there is something wrong with me internally. parts of me i don’t know how to fix. like the way i think. so far this year, there was a point where i couldn’t sleep or eat. eating is especially hard. and not in an eating disorder kind of way. (i don’t mind the way my body looks) just in a way where i’m exhausted and drained. drained of any hope. i make myself believe things i want to believe. it can be used in a positive way too, though. if someone says something that hurts my feelings for example i’ll just tell myself “don’t take it personal it was probably just a joke” because i don’t want to start drama or anything like that. but there’ll always be that voice in the back of my head telling me the opposite. the opposite of what i want to hear. your brain will do that to you. nothing super specific. a few different instances when i’ve felt this way is just hearing things. nobody was raised the same way i was, so obviously they’re different from me. they’re going to have different beliefs in life and theories. and think different things are okay and not okay to do or say. i dont want to be a hypocrite or sensitive. i just want to be myself and be comfortable doing that. and most of the time i am. it’s a good trait, scanning people to see what kind of person they are to see what kind of person you can be around them. i have to go, dads looking over my shoulder on to my phone. i hope your freshman year was fun and memorable. i love you even when no one else does or doesn’t.