A letter from Jun 27, 2023

Dear FutureMe, So I got a whole bunch of emotions coursing through me rn, honestly. I just listened to Ren's latest song as of this time, Suicide, that I've put off for so long because I knew for sure I was gonna feel exactly like this. I know that I'm really in denial of my issues and this moment just proves it to me now that I've been bawling my eyes out and that my chest hurts and that I feel weak. I feel like I've... Not confronted, but glanced at the issues I've been ignoring for way too long. I... I don't know how to face them so I turn my head back cause I know I need to keep moving forward and the world won't slow down for me, I know the world won't even spare me a glance. But god**** is it heavy. The problems I refuse to face are so, so, so heavy. I don't know how big they are because if I glance back, I can't fully see them but I know they're there, and that's IF I glance back because holy **** am I so prideful, even to myself. It's my sin. Sisyphus knows his boulder got heavier. But he refuses to spare it some thought. Because he's still cursed to roll it up the hill. And acknowledging the heaviness won't change his fate. He hopes that after a year, he's able to shave off the weight, even just a little. He hopes for the day that the boulder wears down, if it even does. For now, as absurd as one gets, he's starting to look forward to it rolling down.