A letter from Nov 20, 2023

Dear FutureMe, I’m currently here sa sala, trying to find something makalingaw sakon tonight. I feel so heavy and I want to cry kaso I just can’t let it out. Babi is asleep, I can’t contact him since he’s currently at school. It’s midnight and everything just feels heavy. I could say na back in highschool, I was very ignorant and young, I haven’t thought hard of the future, I just wanted to become a doctor, kay I thought it was that simple to become one. I never thought that life would hit me very hard at 22. I’m here at midnight, writing this letter for you, myself. I’m depressed, I dropped out of school, I’m jobless, and I easily get very very sick. My body had become so weak after working graveyard for almost 4 years. I fear people and the society, I fear attachment and abandonment. It had been a tiring day today, it’s been my second try going out looking for a job, I easily get accepted, but the timing wouldn’t let me. I have millions of worries! My allowance is running out, I don’t have money for bills, shopping, galas. Lapit na Christmas and I just can’t find a job where I need it the most. I have nightout with friends this coming Saturday and I know wala sila gapati when I said I won’t be able to go due to financial issues, but it’s true. 🥹 I just want to say na I’m fearing my life right now, it’s very chaotic, people at work doesn’t excite me anymore, I’m not that close and attached with my high school friends anymore, maybe because it’s because I’m ashamed that they’re busy with their college lives and lapit nalang graduation nila while I’m just here sa sala stressing out how I can’t find a suitable job, or maybe because of what Zen did that made me insecure sa friends ko. I don’t know, maybe both. I’m growing a deep hatred sa family ko, I just want to leave them once I become stable kay they are so ungrateful. And all of it makes me unhappy. And the most scary part is that I keep on denying it to myself, but I’m relying on Zen, he listens, he’s there. And I feel so disappointed sa self ko for being vulnerable, kay I know everytime it happens, I get left alone again, but this fear gives me comfort. And I’m afraid that I’m changing, but I can’t deny sa self ko na I’m loving this change, despite of the chaos, it had been so peaceful at the same time. I became more calmer, I wanted to prioritize and love myself more everyday, I stay away from negativity by trying my best to not react on things that triggers me. And he had contributed a lot sa changes ko. Maybe he saw that I wanted to love myself more and more but the insecurities limited me to do so. And he helped me love myself. He treats me so well and respects me that I just have this urge everyday to love myself more and see my worth that I am worthy of respect. He’s convinced and showed me everyday that he’s always gonna be here. I’m less attached sa friends ko and it doesn’t hurt that much kay I used to be uhaw sa atensyon nila but they’re busy with their own lives. I got used to being shouted and verbally abused by my family that I never noticed that it was an invite to disrespect me. This fear scares me, and comforts me, kay he’s saving me. He’s all I got right now and I don’t know what I’ll do once I lose him. Self, I don’t know what’ll happen in the next 6 mos, I hope we’ll see. If you’re contented with what you have, if you have a stable job, if you don’t degrade yourself so much for dropping out of school, if your family treats you better, or if he’s still there. I won’t demand for things to get better in the future one you’ve read this but I hope things will still work out fine. I love you always. Keep fighting!