Real thoughts of your 16 year old self: NOT SPAM!

I wanted to make this, because im scared that when im old im not going to remember what it was like to be 16, heck I don’t even remember what it was really like to be 14 anymore. Like what I was thinking, and what was really important to me. I hope you can look back at this and laugh, but also take some of this kind of seriously because to me now its serious, and that was you once I guess. Its weird the whole “write a letter to yourself” deal. I’m not sure if this is going to be a one time thing or if ill add to it. Here it goes: My biggest fear is probably that I’m not good enough, well, no, it’s more that I don’t fit in, or even more specifically I don’t belong anywhere. My family is fine, but I’m defiantly the one who doesn’t fit. Even though I bitch, I really do love them all. At school, I don’t know. I guess in middle school it was all about fitting in and having what everyone else has, but then in high school I’m trying to be more of my own person and do/act/say what I want, but its hard, ya know? Like with clothes for example, Ill try to do something interesting and be unique, but in the end its like everyone else who try’s to be unique does a heck of a lot better job than I do. Sometimes I don’t see the point in trying when everyone else is going to beat you. So back to the whole not belonging. I guess I’m just selfish, I always desire a lot of attention and affection but I’m not one of those people who goes out and begs for it. I just quietly wish I were more appreciated for how good of a friend I am. Im a tad bit lonely. I just often wish for things that I cant have. But im happy now at least, that wasn’t always the case.. So this winter (sophomore year) I was in my words depressed. Now you may look back at this and laugh, but honestly, ive never felt so horrible in my entire life. I had a completely broken heart (brian), that I see now I had a major part in breaking. I felt worthless, and everything fell apart at the same time. I lost all my guy friends, I was losing my old best girl friends, Courtney was going through her whole emotional/insecure phase and I couldn’t stand her, I never really texted anyone and I would hang out with people but I was really messed up inside. I didn’t want to kill myself, but I wanted somehow for other people to understand what I was going through, and they didn’t seem to ever get it. They got that I was “sad” but honestly no one cared or tried to do anything about it, and that lack of support really didn’t help. I was sad for so long that I kind of liked it that way, if that makes any sense. I didn’t really remember what was so great about being happy cuz I thought that happy was a dull boring numb state and being sad I could at least feel something. I did the first of all my drinking/drugs/sexual stuff during that time. I don’t really regret any of it so far at least. Sometimes I wish that there was someone out there that knew me really really well. Like my best friends know me well, and they love me. But they aren’t like me at all. They aren’t sentimental, and cheesy, and I don’t know if I could ever even be this person for someone else, but I wish there was someone who understood me and wanted to know why I feel so lost in a big group. Or why I quit lacrosse. Or what my favorite movies are, because I have a list just waiting for someone to ask. I want someone to sit and listen while I read them chapters from my favorite book (The Many loves of Dobie Gillis) I want someone to backpack with, and to trust me completely. I want there to be someone out there who thinks of me. I want someone to just know my situation and me completely so that when something happens I don’t have to explain it all I can just tell them and they would understand. I really hate how at school everyone acts like they don’t know each other and don’t want to. Why do we do this? I want you to listen to this song. Its new and popular and I bet I wont like it in a week. But that’s the thing, you know my favorite songs of all time, but just as much as I like those songs, sometimes I like these new songs that come and go even more, if just for a moment. And even if I don’t like them forever that doesn’t mean they should be forgotten. The chorus is really good. The rest isn’t anything special. SONG: For The First Time- The Script That’s it I guess. I hope that you are happy. Cuz none of the rest really matters. I mean were just gonna die eventually right? Might as well have some good memories ☺