Dear 5-years-older version of me

Dear 5-years-older version of me: If nothing else, please remember this. You were happy 5 years ago. You knew what you wanted from the world and you weren’t afraid to get it. You knew what you needed and you got better at demanding it. You knew what you cared for and made sure that it was taken care of. Things were hard and life was overwhelming, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t happy. When you reflect back on 2012, and how it was the most formative and significant year of all 23 others before it, remember what it turned you into, and what it turned you from. Remember how hard this year was, but also remember that the amazing memories you cherish from that time created in you a fire. Remember that those amazing memories you cherish are the reason you can be who you are today. The people. Oh god, the people. Are they still there? If not, I hope you at least still value them and what they did for you way back then. Whatever happened in the past 5 years that has changed those relationships, just remember where they started. Remember how you felt the most alive, the most free, the most supported and affirmed when you were with those people? Remember how by the end of the year, you were learning to grow your own affirmation by being around those people so that you could flourish it yourself? Do you remember that time you commented on how uncomfortable A’s bed was, and C said “god you’re such a slut I love it” and you felt at home in that moment because you feel at home in multiple beds. I don’t know if you’re still poly, if you aren’t, just remember that it was worth it. Whatever happened to change your perspective on it, don’t you dare ever forget that 2012 made it matter to you. Don’t you dare ever forget that you felt at home being poly. If your opinion on it has changed, well that’s fine we can talk about that later, but at least promise me you look back on this fondly, because I am really loving it right now. Even if it went horribly wrong or you’ve met someone that you think is “the one” and no one else matters, remember that 5-years-younger version of you is laughing at that. Remember that you love these people, remember that in 2012 you discovered your capacity to love so many people, that walking into a room full of people you could snuggle up against was the most rewarding feeling for you. Remember Friendsgiving? Remember how you broke down and cried in A’s arms at 3 in the morning because you felt so unbelievably loved? Wasn’t that incredible? Remember his going-away party a few weeks later? Remember how you wore a gown just to see the baffled look on his face, and then he had no pants on when you showed up? Remember the tender moments you shared with him and C at the end of the evening, knowing that that night will be a part of you forever? Do you remember that? Do you remember the letter S wrote to you on your first date, formally asking you to attend a concert later that evening and signing it Pirate Captain? Remember how much he made you laugh, every time you talked to him? Remember how special he made you feel just in the way he kissed you? It’s okay that the relationship is over. It’s okay that you’re both moving on. And it’s okay if you’re still hurting. You’re right, I know, he’s awesome. It’s okay if you still miss him. It’s okay if you miss anyone. You’re allowed to feel feels. you have 2012 to thank for that. For validating your emotions and helping you learn to be okay with being an emotional creature. If you’re still working the same job, I hope it’s for a good reason. Remember that you weren’t unhappy there, but it wasn’t fulfilling. It’s okay if you still work there, I just hope there’s a reason for it. Where do you live? If it’s not New York or San Francisco, I’m mad at you. I have a feeling that in the past 5 years, your heart’s been broken a few times. I’m sorry if any of that is my fault, but I have reason to believe you’ll make it out of that okay. I know you can rebuild from that, because remember, you’ve done it before. You’ll get better at it. If your heart’s been broken, it’s alright. It’s not because something is wrong with you, I know how you like to blame yourself when things get difficult, but for the love of god that is getting old. Can you grow up already? Holy shit, you’re 28. God damn. How does that feel? Have you run a marathon yet you lazy asshole? If you’re married or have a child, wow, we need to have a chat. I mean, it’s fine I guess, but really what were you thinking? And finally, I hope you’re happy. I don’t hope that life is easy, we both know it never will be. I just hope that you’re okay with that. I hope you’ve learned to understand that joy is there, even when things are hard, and sometimes you have to find it or make it yourself, but that it’s always going to be worth it. Remember, you are joy. And if you’re not, I hope you can afford tattoo removal. Sorry about that one. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I love you.