A letter from October 14th, 2013

Dear FutureMe, Benny is sitting on my lap right now. He is a few 5 months old almost.. well in 4 days. he just forgot his tongue out and that was the first thing that made you genuinely happy today. because today and the last couple of days, weeks and months were hell. you are at your lowest points of your life and you don't quite know how to.survive.. or if you are going to. you wrote an English exam today and you weren't that good.. you couldn't concentrate that well. you know your mother has her beating you phase.. she has many psychoses. she talks shit about you and to you.. you hate her.. you.wonder if you are ever going to really forgive her.. you doubt it highly. you wrote the exam and you had more lessons.. you realized how.lonely and. shy you turned pit to be. you have no one to talk.to. you know.it's all your fault. why would everyone else have real friends or at least someone to talk.to. after school... you were shocked .. you were about to cry. you called up a few people. you got few responses and no help. you looked at the clock and realized you had to give that warning from the bus company to.your lovely Dr. flosdorff.. he was there for you when you.received it and he said he will take.care of.it. then you had to explain the lady why you gave your bus bill of 43€ to your doctor.. you lied a bit.. it was a white lie.. you were so afraid and humiliated.. then you waited for the next bus at the bus station. for half an hour and just sat on the floor and listened to Avril lavigne's "nobody's home" because you can relate to that song the best for many years.. you used to cry a lot of the times. you watched happy family's passing by with their little kids and you were a bit jealous and the kids looked at you ..like.. you.don't know. you had a hunch and you ran to the pharmacist and they said I'd have to pay for my pain meds and you said I'm sorry I don't have the money.. next time. you had money but you couldn't give it away for pain meds.. the reason you needed those meds were because of the scratches, cuts and bruises you had all over your body.. I just wanted to remind you that you can probably still see your scars but let that remind you of the fact that you survived those horrible times. you were brave enough not to commit suicide. even if you thought about it.. you always had your goals in mind in whatever case. I'm so glad. you got into the bus and messaged your person "Busch" about how horrible you feel. that you feel.like you don't have anywhere to go to. nowhere you belong. you had tears in your eyes as you wrote those messages to let her know. you were so afraid in that bus.. what if they were at home? what happens then? you knew whatever happens you were going to shatter those glasses in your balcony but protect your baby kitties. you realized how much you missed them. you got home.. somethings changed.. it doesn't look like you live there anymore.. your bedsheets are gone.. your laptop was already broken and your speakers. you almost started crying but you stopped and took a thin glas and smashed in on the balcony. you had tears in your eyes as you saw your kitties. you collected the sharp pieces .. and hoped for them to already cut you while you collect them. that wasn't the case.. you took them to the living.room and petted your kitties. now you are writing a letter to your future self.