A letter from September 23rd, 2015

dear cassie in five years, i'm nineteen years old. i'm sitting at my (?!) kitchen table in my first apartment (?!) in lakeview. i'm sitting with ally drinking yogi detox tea. speaking of tea, i just got a part time job at david's tea. about three weeks ago i decided to pursue anthropology with a minor in museum studies and french instead of polysci and wgs (but i'm still on the border about the french thing. french sucks right now). i'm listening to help i'm alive by metric. i started watching the x files about a month ago and i'm absolutely obsessed. i sense that a big change is happening in my life right now. it's not coming- it's here. i'm in the midst of something huge, something bigger, and i don't know what it is, but i feel it simultaneously pressing down on me and lifting me up at all hours of the day. i hope it's for the better. i think it's for the better. time will tell. now i'm sitting with david and ashley because ally's taking a shower. change the song to disloyal order of the water buffalo by fall out boy. don't worry, i'm going through a weird punk alien phase. not florence and the machine, maybe, but it's good music. i feel as if i'm peering into a dream right now. into a dream from a dream. life right now doesn't feel quite real. i've been dissociating a lot, and my anxiety's been really bad. i haven't been eating a lot. i'm afraid my ed might be coming back. i just want to be small. i've been smoking a little bit. a lot of pot, a few cigarettes. i've been drinking kind of a lot. i'm bad at self control. but beer is nice. blue moon horchata ale is definitely my current fave. IPAs aren't all they're hyped up to be. i just went on the first date i've had in four years, which is weird as all hell. i really hope you have someone. he was lame. i told all the details to the you of four years ago, but i doubt this is going to matter to me in five years. i really hope it doesn't. you're on to bigger and better things. you should be pursuing your MA. your PhD. become dana scully. or gillian anderson. really, either is fine. change song to spaceman by the killers. i hope you've found a way to integrate performance into your life. i hope you're on tv. or on stage. or in another x files revival. you know, normal stuff. i hope you're involved. i hope you have a lot of friends and you're the manager of a david's tea and that you have more tattoos and that you're making enough money to support yourself and that you've done well in school. good luck with grad school. i hope you got into one of those. i hope you're doing something really cool with your life. change song to running to the sea by royksopp. please don't be normal. please make something of yourself. food and normalcy and acceptance are really overrated. i think i'm finally starting to actually get that. i think that's one of the big things that's happening right now. i am a revolution. my whole being is at war with itself. i'm changing. i'm reconstructing. i'm pulling apart at the seems and i'm pulling apart the pieces and i'm putting myself back together into something i want to be. i'm burying all the pieces of myself that i no longer need. i'm growing and changing and it's so big right now. i'm just trying to make sure i'm a good, interesting person. trying to make sure that i stick out, in a good way. i think that i'm experiencing a sexual revolution as well. i feel more confidant even on days that i hate myself and my body. i am hot shit. i am capable of being desired. this probably sounds really fucking weird to you. i'm sorry. change the song to let's talk about spaceships by say hi. i need someone. i don't need anyone. i'm too busy for that, but it's all i crave. i might be grey. i'm terrified of real intimacy but i want it. i'm still terrified of being vulnerable. that's something i discovered recently. change song to chasing twisters by delta rae. i don't feel like a real human. i just want success and love. i want recognition, i'll say that straight up. no shame, it's something i crave. i hope you've found that in a significant other or in a friend group like in high school or in work or, you know, hopefully in a band or in a movie. nbd. change song to fight song by rachel platten. i'll be 24 when i'm reading this. it's been 9 years since romeo and juliet. it's been 7 years since as you like it. 6 years since you didn't go to state for poetry. sorry bring bringing that up, actually. knowing me, i'll still be salty about that. at least a little bit. god, i hope you're performing. it hurts. it hurts a lot. change song to subterranean homesick alien by radiohead. i feel a lot like i did junior year of high school right now. remember this: driving down almond after school junior year. you're listening to stars by fun. maybe the a team by ed sheeran. it's autumn, where the leaves are just starting to turn different colors. that smell. it's hard to even conjure it now. i hope you can. i hope it's still there. that smell. on the way to starbucks after school, then onto drama for a few hours at o'plaine. mr. miller, jamie, david, jenna, lars, luke, brynne, sehseh, the auditorium. change song to elaina's theme by tom player. god, i miss it. i hope you've gotten in touch with miller, i hope you're performing. god, god god god god god god god god god god i hope you're performing and reading shakespeare and onstage and singing and pouring your heart into a piece or SOMETHING. please. for our sake. i hope you're happy, or getting there. i hope you've found a touchstone. remember this: warm days on the quad at depaul. the first warm days of winter quarter where you, heather, and cooper walked out to the lake on fullerton and climbed on the ice hills on the sand. remember the melt. remember every second. remember the crawling brown line in the winter, sitting at harold washington library waiting with heather. remember mara, no matter how much you may not want to. remember your first quarter, going out with the uhall crew, those pathetic nights you spent searching for addresses. remember halloween, the first time you got blackout drunk and cried on the bathroom floor in seton. remember mara coming to help you and feeling ashamed but unable to stop. remember the homesickness. remember the strings you felt stretch apart. the strings that were holding you together, the strings that were holding you to gurnee, the strings that were holding you to mara and kristen and peter and joe. remember not knowing who you were first quarter and not really finding yourself again until first quarter of sophomore year. maybe this is the first time i'm actually pulling myself together. change song to the only thing by sufjan stevens. remember actively severing the strings between you and mara and the others. remember how much it hurt. remember desperately clinging to the strings that held you to gurnee and the amount of times you visited home. remember the special way the sunlight streams into your room at home around four pm. remember being at home full time. remember coming home from school or drama to mom cutting coupons in the kitchen or cleaning or something and delaney sitting on the couch watching tv and dad coming home from work smelling like pine and tuscan something. remember sitting at the table with everyone and maybe worrying about something or other but remember that. everyone together. remember the way the house feels when it's dark and the way it feels during fall and winter and the flowers that only bloom for a week on the cul de sac. remember the spring of freshman year at depaul and how much more you already felt like yourself. remember working at chipotle and feeling like a shit for quitting. remember coming back to school and feeling anxious and not real all the time but feeling someone really really really right. sometimes wrong, or uncomfortable, but very right. change song to rocket man by elton john. remember how lonely you've felt. so many different times. the first night in clifton. the nights ashley wasn't there. the nights you felt bad about staying in. sitting in the apartment alone. missing delaney and the cats and mom and dad and mom's hugs and just being there, being all together. high school. speech. almond. i'm at a loss at this point. i thought i was going to get really deep, but instead i just got really emo. god, just be yourself. i hope you're better at that by the time this reaches you. i hope you're hot and confidant and happy and fabulous and intelligent and you have your masters and you're working on your doctorate and you're a rockstar and a movie star and on a cult tv show. i hope you feel significant. change song to true love will find you in the end. i hope you feel loved. i hope you've found your mulder. change song to horchata by vampire weekend. change song to obvious bicycle by vampire weekend. call mom after you read this. god, i miss so much already. remember everything. every detail. the way you felt in peoria. the motel. the way you felt taking the last bow during the last curtain call for as you like it to a standing ovation. the way you felt on the day you drove to depaul for the first time. the way you felt tonight, writing this letter. the way reading your poetry piece felt. the second between the end and the applause that shows that they're reeling, that you did well. the magic that you spun. the strength in your bones is still there. channel it. become something amazing. i'm trusting in you. don't let 19 year old you down. please. please. please. please.