A letter from January 22nd, 2016

Dear FutureMe, At this point in time, you are miserable, lonely, anguished, depressed, and bitter. You are also on your lunch break at work. This may or may not have to do with how you're feeling right now. At the time of this letter, my primary and sincere wish for you is that you've found a wonderful, lovely girl more beautiful, wise, and compassionate than that fucking 기집애, Sarah. In the event that you're actually back together with that conniving feline, congratulations you stupid fuck; You let her get away with fucking other men and let her back into your life with no repercussions nor consequences. At the very least, I hope you've slept with at least 10 different women and have broken a significant number of hearts or inflicted pain and despair on that bitch several magnitudes greater than what you've experienced since the breakup. If you haven't done so already, let Sarah know that she's a manipulative, selfish, and egotistical twat who can't keep her legs closed the same way her daddy couldn't keep his pants on. Now, enough about that cunt, let's talk more about you. By now you've hopefully left your shit job for a much better paying, more satisfying, and impressive work title. Let's not forget the years of suffering you spent in that desolate hellhole known as Indiana (or the Midwest in general). Let that engineering degree not go to waste working for some cheap-ass Koreans who can't properly use a computer to save their lives. Have you kept up with the gym routine? I'm doing alright at moment in time even without those fuckers Dan and Bryant. Remember you still have that "before" picture of how scrawny and lanky your sorry ass was #TransformationTuesdays. If this is yet another avenue of failure in your life, hopefully this letter will kick you back into gear. Hope mom, dad, step-dad, stepbros, and sister are doing well. Is Koko doing well? That poor dog never got to go outside very often, hope he's in a better place or maybe he's still being a lazy brat at home. Is grandma still alive? That woman terrifies me with how long she's clung to the living realm but she is a sweet woman who cares about you. Happy new year, motherfucker. You better have had a raging, barbaric celebration with excessive fornication and indulgence in substances both legal and illegal, especially with how pathetic this past year's "festivities" were. If you don't even have a hangover, you have failed miserably and I demand you consume more alcohol as compensation. Be happier and healthier than I am right now. Life sucks and there's no point to anything really so have some fun with it. Sincerely, your past self