A letter from September 11th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, In your time the me now doesn't exist anymore. A lot has happened since the old me came to be. These last few months have not been the best for you. You've lost so much, you've sacrificed so much. The me now is only 25 yrs old remember? I just want you to know how proud I am of you, of us. Losing the father of your beautiful daughter in a car accident only days before the anniversary of your own father in March. Losing your friend to cancer on your birthday, and even losing the most important person, Alex, in your life that saved you from killing yourself. There are regrets, there are so many hurtful memories and things that you probably still haven't forgotten. The calls, feeling utterly alone, feeling like you are breaking at the seams. But I want you to know the past me, I'm always here cheering you on. You have accomplished so much. You graduated on top of the Dean's list and gotten your IT degree. A professor that pushed you and encouraged you to write a book, has inspired you to do so even when you feel as if you should give up. You are on your way to earning your Masters and soon PH.D as a clinical psychologist. And what about the friends you've made, the family of total strangers you've brought together and touched? You have accomplished so much more I bet being 29 years old. A single mother, working job after job to provide for your daughter. A person with such strength that I have admired for many years. I hope you are doing well, and I know - I get it. It is very hard and it is understanding that you feel defeated by everything you've lost in such a short time. But you are so much more than what you believe. What you feel. What about now? Are you alone? Or do you have a wonderful person beside you to wake up to? I hope you understand how much people cherish you now, how much you are loved. How well you have been doing and how far you've come from the abuse you've been through and the tragedies you've grown up in from the simple age of 3. You made something of yourself, be proud of that. Be proud to know that you've made it out, you are not damaged like you believe. It hurts, and you do have many battle scars on your body no one can always see, but you made it. Today you are who you are today. You are still me, but you are a newer version. You feel right now being the 25 year old past me, like you have no one. You feel like your world has caved in around you and you can't breath. Remember what your grandpa told you when you continued to take those pills? Remember when you said you don't need water to feel like your drowning? That you feel it would just get worse day by day? What about when you said you want to quiet the noise, that you just needed to quiet the noise? What about now? You are her. There is a storm inside you that can't be taken away. There is so much you have done, and so much you are going to continue to do to fight the urge to not let the water in. I know in your time I'm no longer here, but I am here today and I'll always be cheering you on. Right here. Cheering for you. You are so much more than that...You are so much more.