A letter from September 29th, 2016

Dear B, I'm writing this from my bed at 310 12th st. Remember that place? I'm sure you do. As you'll figure from the date, right now I'm just starting my second year of grad school. Moving to CA has been weird, and I think it's taken just about a year to feel comfortable here. You'll likely still be in grad school when you read this again (if you're not, I understand. After all, I've been feeling conflicted lately. More on that in a sec), so you can imagine pretty much what's going on at this moment: I'm procrastinating on finishing a book and I need to plan for the class I'm teaching (cheers for UWP 1!). I'm drinking English breakfast tea and eating Soren, which is an awful idea because it means I'm not going to fall asleep until 2am. C'est la vie. Anyway, enough academics. The next 5 years of your life are more or less academically planned out, so I'll assume my current academic moment isn't that interesting to look back on. What might be interesting for me-version-2017, however, is the personal stuff. As you know, I met K this past summer in Israel. She's great and has become my favorite person. We're kind of doing a long-distance-type thing but the future of our relationship is uncertain. It certainly helps that she lives in Chicago, and that we're both in education so we get holidays and summer breaks off. Still, I'm anxious about the future. For the first time I find myself questioning why I want to be in grad school and what, if anything, will ultimately make me happy. I feel I've run up against clichéd choices I thought existed only in movies: "the girl or the job" "money or time" "personal happiness or professional expectation." Wherever we are in a year - if a "we" still exists - just know that at this moment you want her in your life, although you have doubts about how exactly to do that. And yet, not a moment after those doubts materialize, you think to yourself, "fuck the rules of life. We should both quit our jobs and move to New Orleans." The most fundamental question makes itself known: to what extent do you give up the comforts of an idle life for someone you love? Be well, in 2017 and for years to come. - B