A letter from October 9th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, It's Sunday 9 October 2016.I've been sick this weekend with a really really bad cold. I'm almost 5 months pregnant with my second child who I may call Jovian I'm not sure as yet. I've had a tough year my daughter laya was born last year August. I returned from.maternity leave in may and started working part time. I r then received the news that my mum.has cancer and it was terminal. I worked till June. I then took a career break to look after mum. She passed away on 8 August 2016. My life changed in the worst way. I was pregnant and lost my mother. Nothing could have prepared my for this. I was there when she took he last breath with my 2 brothers at her side. The pain I have felt is unbearable along with the flash backs. My children father was supportive before our first child s born and gradually became less and less help. He didn't help me when I had to visit my mother daily and attend her hospital appointments on a daily basis. I have my 1 year old with me all the time and he only cared for the business she has started his London fashion brand. And became so obsessed with with out putting his family first.he never offered to help or even visit my mother with cancer.he was there when she passed and showed some compassion. However now she is gone I am. Alone I have my dad in North London who lives very far from me. And my help is scarce. I had to argue with him.to look after our daughter for the weekend as I have been so ill and am pregnant with our second child which he wished dead along with our daughter as he thinks I am trying to sabotage his business. I had to call child maintainece I didn't want to but he has never offered even a pack of nappies for our child or even takenow her for a walk. I'm in a position my career is on hold which I don't mind the an extent but his abusive ways are something I think I need to step away from. It hurts me as I still love him. But I only ever wanted him to be an active partner and father but all he cares about is his business.I've helped him every way I can with his ambitions. Shared my home. Myself and everything i had but he doesn't even care if im I'll. I never wanted my life to go in this direction. But Iam now at a point I have to make a decision and stick to it. If I should walk away for good. He doesn't help me financially physically morally or even as a friend let alone as a father. He put me down a out ym body my looks my social life? Every aspect of me including my family. I've worked hard all my life and provided a good start to my life for myself and children I don't go with out hardly struggle I just wanted some one on the same page as me. He is chasing fast money and riches. I'm now facing having our son alone thinking who will be my birthing partner how will I cope when this new baby comes. This is the first time I have had to myself since my first child as born over a year ago and it's because I am sick.and he has mover out. I don't think he wants to be part of my life or even lover and that that's some thing I have to accept I just didn't know I could give so much and in return not even have his respect even at an associate level. What do I do. I have worry but am looking to the positive I booked a trip to France soon to go with my daughter and sister in law something I wish he would have shared but he never wanted to do anything like that with me no matter how much I suggested or offered. I know I deserve better. My mum was so upset before she passed away about how he treated me I may be blind other people are not.I love my daughter and soon to be son so much. I miss my mum so dearly and for the first time in my life feel truly alone. Although I lived by myself for 10 years before I had my first child. I think il always have love for him but beleive it's time to let go for good. I hope his business success and he gets where he wants in life I just wish we could have been a family. Time is a healer and I'm sure il be okay as hard as it going to be. I'm not looking for for a night in armour or a marriage proposal I just want to be happy and I am. But would eventually love to find real companion ship someone to smile with and make memories. When I receive this future me I don't know where il be maybe I may move home.or live in france. Or working in don't know but I have my mum looking out for me . Just stay strong nessa I'm saying to myself and I will find my footing in life . I'm grateful for everyday and the special people I do know.lots of love