A letter from November 2nd, 2016

Dear FutureMe, I'm so sorry I keep failing you. I'm so sorry I'm not taking care of you as I should. I shouldn't have let you get into this type of relationship. He's a really nice guy - in fact one of the greatest but there's too much involved for your sanity. For your happiness. Love is over-rated. There will be people or a person that you love. Fact. But it doesn't mean you should have to make a life with them. Don't get too caught up in love and forget about your own well being. Don't forget that this is also YOUR life that you have to live with. I love him, MY. But the side life - I don't think I am ready for. I am still young, I am still learning about life and myself. How can I adjust, how can I adapt.. It's gotten more and more difficult. I'm forcing myself to let go, to rid of the feelings but it feels like I'm giving up on myself. I keep wondering to myself is it because I am not worth the extra care for? It's not that I think there is someone else better out there for me. It's that my heart isn't kind enough.. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to share my boyfriend with a ex and a child or with a loving parent. Sometimes I feel as though it's just easier to walk away from the tornado than to walk through it. I was just about to think of how proud I was of myself. And then I realized I am still not there yet. It's okay for now - to be stuck in this situation - but what happens when I am 30? What if I waited too long to realize that I couldn't handle being in a relationship like this? What if 30 becomes 35? I'm scared. Am I not nice enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough? to just be in a good life? Didn't I do the right things in life? Why am I still here, crying? Will it always be like this. Dear Future L, I hope for you either things have worked out .. whatever that means. Or that you have broken free of what is holding you from true happiness. You are THIRTY today. My goodness.. Today you're sitting in your living room crying by yourself. When you should be greatly proud and happy that youre still twenty six. Haha. You ARE happy. You have seen passed the shadows and you are you now. It's hard to believe how long it took for you to grow into yourself. I will forever and always love you till the end. No matter what happens in life.. When it gets bad or feels like a day like today. I will be with you. That's just life isn't it.. One moment your upset over feelings and then, you find happiness. I hope it will always be like so. Remember that happiness is a choice. It has nothing to do with others. Only to do with yourself. You are thirty. I hope you go back to Vietnam and visit Dad soon. How is Mom doing right now? OH goodness how are the nieces and nephews???? Jaylin wore a pink princess dress for Halloween this year, so adorable haha. Jaydin went to school as a zombie spiderman that Linda made for him. Lala and belly are getting older, losing a lot of their baby fat. Lala is definitely losing her sass unfortunately but she is such a sweet and kind girl. She's an old soul. Belly is rambunctious and outwardly CRAZY haha. So much charisma and energy. Louis is only one this year and he is getting soo cute. So chubby and looks completely different from his brothers, so funny. Kevin is nearly an adult lol, he is very tall and enjoys acting. He's very smart and kind. Vincent has got some personality, more than I can say for myself at that age. I am glad they don't have anyone repressing their true character of themselves. Do you remember when you dressed up as captain america in 2014 for Halloween?... You were chubby AF. lol. This year you are about 102 lbs and still chubby haha. The gym has not been frequented much of this year. I'm sure you will work it in eventually. This year you dressed as Harley Quinn. like the clown that you are. This moment in time, you are dating MY, his mother, daughter, and ex. Perhaps I should begin my blog. Maybe Da is right, I should blog it all out.. How are you birthday girl. I hope you don't feel old. Because you aren't. You have to let life takes it course as you run your course. Breathe from your nose. Farewell, until next time.