A letter from November 11th, 2016

Dear Future Michelle. Yes, you. Hi. Now listen up: You've been going through some crazy sad shit for most of your life. You sobered up finally but you really haven't begun to deal with why you did all that shit in the first place. I hope that you (we?) have found the help you needed and you're much happier now. Bitch, you BETTA have finally finished school and gotten out of the retail/waitressing black hole of death. You're too good for that crap. Do you really want to still be finding the right shade of coral pink lipstick for some crotchety old hag in 5 years (that she's just gonna return the next day because she's a salty old cow)???? Hell no! You miss Daddy a lot. You cry. You want to call him. You want to feel his scratchy beard when he kisses you. You miss his smell and his big booming voice. You miss his protection. Right now it sucks. They say that you have to wether the entire storm to get through your grief. You can't just circle around it. Plow through that hurricane, girl. Let it storm. Let it lightening and thunder. Let the rain cleanse you. You were so loved by him. You still are. This is not the end. Nick: he broke your heart in so many ways. You still love him but you are angry and have every right to be. People like to forget about the bad things when someone dies. They forget what a jerk they could be, and N could really be a DICK. But he was also kind and generous. He loved you, but he couldn't love you the way you needed to be. Perhaps he finally realized that. I hope you went to Spain. I hope you left that letter and photo near the painting he said he loved so much. I hope you sat in the smokey darkness and thought of him, just as he asked you to many years ago. I hope you were finally able to say goodbye to him. He was your first true love. One never forgets that. But it's time to let him go in peace. As with all the people we've loved and lost, it's not the end. You'll see that smile again. If you didn't marry Edwin or are not in some sort of relationship with him, old me from 2015 is going to come back and kill you. You know he's the one. You've felt it for years. He has too. You will have a wonderful life together filled with happiness, adventure, and laughter. Hurry up and tell him you love him! Love yourself. Play. Laugh joyfully. Be kind to others. Do nice things for people even when they don't deserve them. Say you're sorry. Say I love you. Leave behind no regrets. You rock, Michelle 2021. Xo, Me. You. Whatever. You get the idea.