A letter from December 25th, 2016

Dear FutureMe, Well. You made it through your first Christmas separated from Branden. It was awful. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. You have just tucked in your sweet blessings and felt Sammy fall asleep for the 100th time. You're eating handfuls of popcorn and drinking a large glass of red wine. But, sweet one, we don't need to really go through each detail. Just the feelings. It was WONDERFUL to... ...wake up with the boys at MiMaws house. ...watch them open their stockings. ...eat breakfast all together ...cuddle them all day and fall asleep with them on the couch. ...to still get gifts from Branden It was SUPER OVERWHELMING.... ...to toss and turn all night next to Branden ...to cuddle with him again ...to watch the boys open up toy after toy that they don't need ...to only get a gift card this year from Brenda (a sharp contrast to all Christmases before) ...to sit in Brenda's house all day, not really feeling welcome ...to go to my parent's house without Branden, despite us agreeing to go together. ...to feel so out of sorts, no one planning anything, Brittany taking off again with the kids and not seeing Grayson or Weston at all. ...not planning anything fun or festive You felt... ...so sad, especially with the passing of Keeley ...like everything was out of control ...like I just bought gifts on robot mode, without thought of the price or even the care ...sad and lonely. In the past month, you've felt really burned by the Toth family, George and Nicole and Aaron and Leanne. Ellyse too. I've come to realize that there were two reactions to the announcement that I was leaving Branden; the reaction of "WHAT?! You didn't tell us! You didn't let us know! Why didn't you!? You didn't try hard enough because you didn't try/go to/listen to..." and the reaction of "WHAT?! That is so sad! Are you okay?!" But through this, your chosen family has shone through like nothing else. They have shown you what it's like to love like Christ. They have shown up with love, food, hugs and listening. No judgements. They are letting you walk through your junk and being so so so patient. My hope with that this this coming year is filled with RADICAL LOVE!!!! That you experience ABUNDANCE and JOY and GRACE and PEACE. That you've gotten yourself organized. That you are deeply nourished with the receipt of this email and that you look back with so much positive change and growth. I'm so excited for this email to get to you in 12 months time. I hope that so much has changed for you sweet darling. I love you!!!! -Your fine self.