A letter from October 31st, 2017

Dear FutureMe, I'm gonna write some stuff down about today the worst day of last 4 weeks. That same feeling has caught me again, yea. Actually it has been a long time since I felt this way last. I met the ex idiot today and also the new one who I kinda love. The ex one had a some kind of frown. I asked her that why she blocked me on whatsapp and she said I didnt, just deleted you. I was laughing inside lol. She was looking at me like I'm a piece of ****.(shes actually right) but anyways, she sucked all my positive energy up. Then I went to school with ma girl. I'm the first boyfriend of her(such a shame, **** my luck) I'm not sure if I really love her but I kinda wanna be with her. She doesnt know anything about people shes like a beginner, grew up in a small western town, has freckles on her face, a different nose shape, lovely cheeks, innocent looking. I just wanted to say something good to her and I said "I love you" after a 30 second silence, she was jus like "thank you" and this is where the feeling actually started. I kept smiling but I didnt wanna smile, didnt wanna look sad, angry or something else. You know it was one of the times that I wanna say "Youre such an idiot girl, get the f out of here". She asked me if I was offenced and I explained her that it wasnt something that Im supposed to feel offenced, I told it was just funny. Yea it was funny. Then she said "love you, but I dont feel like I'm saying that" and I told her that its ok if she doesnt like me. She was like I wouldnt hangout with you if I felt that way. Idk if she really likes me but she held my hand and put her head on my shoulder. Kissed me when I was about to leave and said "love you too". It was just awkard. She doesnt have social skills and she actually told me that she was an antisocial person. Anyways, idk whats gonna happen with her. I feel like what happened with the asian one. I'll teach everything and leave her. Same old ****. Anatolian girls are weird. Its one of the reasons why I wanna leave Turkey. Also I felt that my confidence level was 1/10 today. Not good. I really should study hard and transfer to a nicer college. Socialize more, get to know better people who actually have brains. I feel another me something better than me inside of me. You know. I should be better than this. Keep working hard!