A letter from January 1st, 2018

Dear Eagle, I'm making this letter extravagant, simply because I know you are anticipating its arrival. I hope you appreciate the thought of it or maybe you've finally moved on and stopped liking, truly nerdy, things like this. This is what you are thinking at the moment, thanks to an inspirational toddler video, new years is simply a date– a date that doesn't signify anything much– simply a number that we celebrate or an amount of time that has been chosen out of the odds of it just being chosen, simply a chosen number of 365 and out of those odds of this particular day to be a day of renewal, no more than a raffle of time. In my opinion, it could be any other day: as reading something you wrote yesterday can capture that horrible, "why do I even bother living", feeling. And maybe even slight amusement and proudness on how much you are so in tune with yourself in your writing when really it's not even much to be proud of– You are you. And everything you have done was done by you, not some silly past version of yourself. The more you critique who you used to be, the more you disacknowledge the mistakes that lead you to be who you are now. What's the point in hating a past self? You can't do much about it and what a shame to spend so much limited energy and time dwelling on the past. So in turn, this day is simply useless and another one of the same distractions we humans use to kill the pain of never being satisfied. Because a year is one attempt right? And well, one failed attempt does not mean lifetime failure? What a heartbreaking thought. Now that I'm done criticizing the sheer ignorance of new years, I'd love to join in the festivities in wondering how I've changed! I'm sure I've gained weight but I look eerily similar to what I looked like in the eighth grade. I've had more deep thinking time and have come to terms with the size of my shoulders (even though they are average sized and have always been). And successfully spent another year harming myself with all sorts of chemicals, knowing that I was harming myself. I've broken a lot of hearts because I can't stand the thought of someone loving me. I've broken my heart many times because lol ^^^^. And so I have many people who dislike me but treat me too nicely. I love learning but can't stand my teachers, they want us to believe that teachers are perfect beings who know everything and we should never question them, and how they teach. So, in turn, my motivation to learn has never been lower. My friends are lovely but also as messed up as I am. I'm lovely but rather socially unempathetic, even when I know exactly what they are feeling. I hope that future me has a boyfriend, money, and friends. cheers, I hope you don't die, and happy 2019.