A letter from February 16th, 2018

Dear FutureMe, Its my 29th birthday, and as usual I am still alone. No special calls, no celebration, nobody to wish me at 12 o'clock. This time I didn't buy a cake, this time I am not celebrating, because this is the worst day in my life, I shouldn't have born. We all need some one in our life, and I have been alone for very long time, this loneliness is now killing me. Its not that I am sad because I am not married till this age, I just cant take this loneliness anymore. I wish this is my last day, I wish I was dead, so there will be no tomorrow. When I look around I see people, who got a great childhood, great family, they already are married and already got there own family. And here I am, I have a broken family, who only knows to fight, quarrel, to make things worse. They have never fixed anything. Never done anything good for the family, I never had a happy childhood. All I wanted was to ran away from them, which finally happened and I am happy for that. I thought I could fix my broken life, but no... nothing got fixed. It seems like there is something wrong with me, I dont deserve happiness and love. I might be going to die alone. Here I am sitting in my pg, jobless for last 4 months, alone and broken. Both my savings and my hope is finishing. I was trying to do is to fix my life, all I wanted was a better job, and to have a family. I really want to know, how it feels like to be in a family, where only feeling for each other will be love. So I have to get a job, then find a guy who can understand and love me and I am already 29. I have no idea how much time all this is going to take. I am getting depressed day by day. I cannot see any future, without job and this much loneliness, its going to make me mad. It feels like I have nothing to do, nobody to wait for. I am writing this letter to know, if my life has got anything better than my current one? Do I got what I wanted? Do I deserve happiness and love? Am I alive?? Then what is better one current or future???