A letter to my 32-year old self

Dear Justine, So, you made it to 32 years today, eh? How does it feel? Remember the old you, when you viewed the world grim, hopeless and meaningless? Don't you just feel like laughing at your old self? It took a while before you finally grew up, you put up a really tough fight. Over 20 years, damn!!! Who the heck can hold on to pain for that long, without wincing and whining about your pain, hurt and loss, and to think, you don't even think it's a big deal today like you just fell off a bike and got few scratches, and now here you are, with so much insights and wisdom into the depths of your own insanity and human nature. I want you to know that our fight is over. You can throw off that old shield, that stupid armor (I know it's still in your closet!), and just take one for the team, will ya!? You will go through more pain, that part, unfortunately, is not over yet as there are still billions of people suffering and unaware what the heck they are doing in this world, so they will still hurt you, but you already how that feels, don't you? It was done to you many times, by so many horrible people. Make the sacrifice and let the cycle of suffering end with you. Don't fight and argue back. Throw them a flower, yield, show them kindness and empathy. I know you are no longer hurting, however, you are still longing. I know you still want someone beside you, deep down you still want it all, you want to go back to your old comfortable box, where you can start a family, your deepest desire and temptation (Don't be like Eve, resist the Fall). I can't promise any of that will happen so I will just promise to buy you a nice ice cream by the beach somewhere in Thailand sometime this year, the usual just you and me, and you will take a break for just one damn day from all that it is that you are doing, and you're gonna mingle, dance and just have a little fun. Yes, you want to save the world so badly, and you think it is your purpose and responsibility because you can see beyond the inner and outer world now, but not everyone will agree to your way of bettering humanity and the future. I know you are hoping that all your loved ones cross the bridge with you when your time is over, and some of them will not show up at the bridge or they might cross another bridge or even when you have all successfully crossed, you might not even remember each other at all, or maybe there is no afterlife at all. Maybe we just repeat life again without our former memories. If that's the case, then you might be looking at your last test on earth. That, this, could be your last journey 'cause you're definitely no rookie at this. And maybe there is a heaven after all, whatever that means. I know you love and miss so many people, but this is what it takes to transcend the human condition, which is what you want for yourself and for others to start recognizing. If you turn your back now, you already know what's going to happen: you will be haunted by life epiphanies, dreams, images (your calling as you like to call it) then this will be followed by nightmares of the mundane life. Then you won't like the people around you for holding you back. So, keep on trudging. You're the one who always talks about life as suffering and that it takes a great sacrifice to better humanity, now you gotta keep walking what you preach. This is your gift and your pain --- intuition and resilience, and now you are finally leading with your heart so use it very wisely. Don't waste the 3 years of hard (inner) work, tears and depth of your pain that you let yourself feel to prepare yourself for this. This is the culmination of that. People don't understand what you're doing now, and that's fine, some will in 10, 20, 30 or 60 years or maybe they never will, but at least you tried to genuinely contribute to the world before your time is over so let's just give you an "A+" already, you passed the test of life already. Hooray!!! 🙌 You can keep crying to your "Unicorn playlist" under candlelight from time to time then when you look at the children again, they will say something stupid, and it will make you laugh, and you will be okay again. Keep loving and remain kind to yourself. You may feel scared and alone from time to time, and it's okay to admit that. It means you are sane and still a human being. Happy birthday, you old fart! May we hang out and chat again next year under candlelight (Please update that damn crybaby playlist on spotify!). Love, Justine