A letter from June 17th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, This is hard because you're writing this at 11 at night and usually that isn't so late except it is right now because you're exhausted. But you're also happy. For the first time in a long time. It's weird and nice, like taking a deep, deep breath after being underwater for as long as you can possibly stand it. It's a relief more than anything, I never thought we'd get here. I wonder if you're happy now. If you're not, that's ok I think, because we can get here again. Anyway. I hope you've been writing. We haven't done it in a while and I miss it. At the very least I hope you've read some good books. It's been too long. I don't think I've read anything at all these past few months. And I've just realised that it's probably because I haven't needed to; I haven't needed to escape into somebody else's world because I've been enjoying mine. Which is interesting? Still, reading is fun and we need to do it more. I hope you're a better software engineer than I am. If you're not you've really fucked up somewhere because we get better every week... so I've set a low bar for you to reach but sometimes that's good I guess. I don't know if I want you to be in a relationship again yet. I think if you've found someone you genuinely like then cool but you've still got a lot of growing up to do. And I want you to do it by yourself, or have already done it by yourself, I don't know. Just. Make sure you know you. Make sure you like you. I'm going to list a few things I've done in the past few months that I would never have been able to do this time last year. They're all very normal, very easy things that people do so it's embarrassing to write them down so proudly but I want you to remember how far you came. 1. Went to a concert alone. 2. Moved into a flat by yourself. 3. Started a new career. 4. Made it so that it was second nature to travel alone on a train. 5. Booked a shit-tonne of appointments over the phone. 6. Went for a smear test alone. Here are some things I want to have done by the time I'm you. 1. Go on a trip, or at least be planning one. Alone or with friends. 2. Have a sense of what my ~style~ is. 3. Keep improving that anxiety shite. It's a pretty easy list to work through in my opinion. Should be doable. Also I've just realised how weird anxiety is. Like, how is going alone to a concert on the other side of London at the same level on your weirdo fear-scale as booking a hairdresser's appointment over the phone. Fucking madness. Madness, I tell you. Anyway anyway anyway. I want to add more to this letter because I know you'll want to read more but I'm so tired and I still need to shower. So I'm sorry but I'm off now. Catch you on the flip side. :)