A letter from June 17th, 2019

Dear FutureMe, You're at a tipping point — no, actually, a precipice. You're aware of it, looming in the distance, but you haven't quite figured it out. And by that, I mean you don't quite know what it is or what you'll initiate that may send you careening off its obvious edge. But in this letter, what I want to do is spare the details and instead, tell my future self what it feels like right now. It feels like being the most you you've ever been while simultaneously being the most distraught, overwhelmed, open, and burdened you've felt in your life. You manage to feel like the best once in a while and nothing at all every other day, you know every flaw and weakness that you may ever be capable of defining or understanding, and you're starting to piece through and decide which you can change and which you must embrace. You're beginning to become aware, like actually, truly aware, that the things you hold close are more selfish than sharing. Why does anyone stick around? I still ask myself every fucking day. How have I found people to love me after S? Why do my parents put up with my shit? Why am I the way that I am? I am the me that I am. Right here, right now. I'm the culmination of so many experiences, people, stories, writings, culture, skin, sex, and bone. I am a thread woven through valleys in fantastical places, peaks of my mind and of the banal every day. I am one and all with these and I'm not done. I am overwhelmed, I have much to face, to reckon with — things that are not my choosing. Of this feeling, I recognize I am unable to cope with being out of control. Out of control of my own and out of control of others feelings and thoughts. I let go now. I let go now. I let go now. Knowing the road ahead, understanding the difficulties. Knowing my life resides on the other side. Please let me go. <3 Kylee