A letter from April 2nd, 2020

I need to let go. I'm cascading into this new motherhood, a 2 month old, 22 married and happy. Life has been a giant wave so far. We made it through the storms. A sad childhood grew a sad adult. I am so afraid that sadness will take everything from me. Until I met him, my husband. The world has been dark, I've been sick with guilt. A life I never wanted to live, my parents never wanted for me to suffer. I knew I was depressed my whole life. I never thought I'd get postpartum depression too. Small thoughts racing, hes not breathing. Hes a weird colour, imagine if he died. I am but a small piece of a bigger puzzle. As I lie here feeding my little boy, I want to give him all the life I have left in me. I want him to take all I can give him, and always confide in me. His first everything I never want to miss. He is a piece of my heart that has always been missing until now, and hes hard to take care of and I never want to let him down. I used to be carefree, but I think that's because secretly I felt I had no meaning. No direction. I went to anyone who could give me a piece of themselves without me having to do the same. Tell me, by the time you read this. You will have figured out who you are, and what you stand for. A year is long enough to feel strong again, Go with the waves until they take you where you need to be. You deserve to finally find peace with yourself. Not everything is going to be hard, life will find a way to reward you. This is time to let go, of all the burdens you have carried. Of all the times people have taken from you. Of the pain they have caused. Of the court case you should've gone to. Of all the scars you gave yourself. This is beautiful, life can be beautiful if you just open your heart and breathe.